The Enabling Grandmother

I was recently privy to a discussion a woman who is a grandmother had with her fellow teacher at the Baltimore public school they both work about her irresponsible granddaughter. Below are excerpts....


Grandmother: My granddaughter wants to go back to school; I’d like a flyer for her about educational opportunities. She was once in a community college but once she received her financial aid for the second semester that was it. She spent the money and didn’t go back. Now she has two kids, no man and wants go back to school.

Co-worker: It can be done but it is hard work, so she must really want it. It’s much harder with kids.

Grandmother: My granddaughter has put me through too much. Even much more than my own children did. When my mother watched my children, once I was done doing what I was doing I came back and got my children. My granddaughter has me watching her kids all the time. She gets off work at 5 pm. She shows up 2 hours after work at 7 pm. I tell her that it doesn't take two hours to get from her job to my house. It happens all the time.

Last week, her mother went to her job and was told that she had said she wasn’t feeling well and left earlier in the day. When she showed up when she wanted to much later in the day I could see on her face that she had been at home asleep. I asked her where she had been and she said at work. It was obvious that she had just woken up. Her mother, my daughter said, “No, you haven’t been at work because I went to your job and they said you left early. I just left your job and you weren't there." Then she started mumbling some nonsense.

She hangs out with her friends like she doesn’t want to be a parent. This same situation happened on Friday. So her mother, my daughter told her, “Don't drop your children here with my mother on Monday”. So she stayed at home with her kids and didn't go to work on Monday which was a holiday for the kids but not her. It’s a mess. I told her, Keisha, you know I love you and I would do anything for you, but I'm getting too old for this. These are your children and when you are not working or otherwise busy, they should be with you. If you need something you know I'll do it for you, but I can’t raise your kids.

I can’t raise those kids, the little boy is not so bad, but the little girl has a very high pitch voice and she screams when she doesn't get her way which gives me a headache. I can’t take it anymore.

Co-worker: I leave my kids with parents sometimes but I’m not inconsiderate or take advantage of them like that. That’s ridiculous and she does it because you let her.

Grandmother: I know she takes advantage of my love for her. Can you believe that all she's thinking about now is getting ready to go to the Little Wayne concert coming up?

Sociable Susan’s Perspective: This is just an irresponsible woman who is the architect of her own misfortune. However, she is lucky enough to have an enabling grandmother to help her continue in her irresponsible ways. The sooner her grandmother lets her become fully responsible for her life, her children and her choices, the better.

Note: If you are not familiar with the definition of an enabler as used in this context, read below:

Enabling is used in the context of problematic behavior, to signify dysfunctional approaches that are intended to help but in fact may perpetuate a problem. A common theme of enabling is that third parties take responsibility, blame, or make accommodations for a person's harmful conduct (often with the best of intentions, or from fear or insecurity which inhibits action). The practical effect is that the person themselves does not have to do so, and is shielded from awareness of the harm it may do, and the need or pressure to change. It is a major environmental cause of addiction.

A common example of enabling can be observed in the relationship between the alcoholic/addict and a codependent spouse. The spouse believes incorrectly that he or she is helping the alcoholic by calling into work for them, making excuses that prevent others from holding them accountable, and generally cleaning up the mess that occurs in the wake of their impaired judgment.[citation needed] In reality what the spouse is doing is hurting, not helping. Enabling prevents psychological growth in the person being enabled and can contribute to negative symptoms in the enabler.

Generally, individuals who enable others have weak boundaries, low self-esteem, and have difficulty being assertive when they communicate with others.

Source: Wikipedia