Ephesians 6:4 states, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children. Instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” Colossians 3:21 echoes the same sentiment by stating, “Fathers, do not embitter your children or they will become discouraged.”
The bible, which is the best book on wisdom, warns parents about this, because some parents want their children to be all they couldn’t be. Historically oppressed people especially immigrants or minorities often push their children to be all they couldn’t be in a maniacal manner. A good example is Joe Jackson, who was exceptionally hard on his children, members of the Jackson 5, which included Michael Jackson. It is said that he ran a very tight ship, yelling and physically abusing them during performance rehearsals under his draconian authoritarian rule.
It is said that Michael, who was the star of the group, would throw up, hide away and cry from fear of what his father would do to him for not meeting his performance perfection expectations. I was talking to an older gentleman who is a well known veteran of the music industry who is also Joe Jackson’s peer a while ago. Many who assumed that he just wanted them to do their best maybe wrong. The gentleman said what people don’t realize is that Joe Jackson wasn’t highly educated or skilled, and was only protecting his own interests, because if the Jackson 5 didn’t become the stars they became, he would have had to either engage in criminal activity by hustling or work in the automotive industry, doing physically tasking and back breaking work, he didn’t want to do, that his peers were doing to make ends meet. So he became a task master to his children to ensure that he wouldn’t have to do either of these, which due to his educational level were what was available to him and people like him at that time.
Lorelie, a first generation American Philippino girl I worked with, said her immigrant mother was extremely strict on her and her brother educationally. They weren’t even allowed to speak their native language, because her mother felt it would make them less “westernized and sophisticated.” However, they both graduated from college and have good careers; she’s an Information Technology professional while her brother is an architect in San Francisco. It’s debatable that perhaps without their mother’s strictness, they wouldn’t have done so well.
In a documentary on immigrant lives I watched, a frustrated Nigerian immigrant who came to the US later in life with his family seeking greener pastures, but quickly realized that the America work force isn’t quick to embrace older unskilled immigrants, yelled maniacally into the camera at his new son’s christening, “He is my future.” I felt sorry for the new baby whose father already had plans for him without knowing what God designed him to become. That man would be the kind of father who would want his son to be an over achieving genius making millions of dollars to compensate for his life. If the boy is designed to be in an emotionally and intellectually rewarding and fulfilling, but low paying occupation, I can only imagine how incensed this man would get. The British recording artist, Seal, had a similar experience with his immigrant Nigerian father in England. The man wasn’t a doctor, but wanted his son to be a doctor because it is one of the most admired and prestigious occupations in the average Nigerian’s mind, while Seal wanted to become a singer.
I have also heard that people from conformist cultures or people with choleric temperaments or service men and women who are trained to receive orders without questioning authority, are often very guilty of this, becoming strict whip cracking drill sergeant parents.
Many parents have alienated their children because they want to live their dreams through them. Although, it’s arguable that without a father like Joe, Michael wouldn’t have become what he did. However, it is also known that when Michael grew up, he showed his dislike for his father by not talking to him, and having him removed from sets when he appeared including one incident during the making of the Thriller video. Seal ran away from home. Model and actor, Djimon Hounsou also ran away from his immigrant brother in France because he wanted to pursue his acting dream while his brother wanted him to pursue something more “serious”.
The truth is, if you want your child to do something or be anything, it’s best you do it yourself first. Having a parent who is also a role model in a particular career field exposes a child to the inner workings of the field and gives them the confidence that they can do it. However, it’s their ultimate choice to become who they are divinely designed to be and not who their parents want them to be.
Misery accompanies the life of anyone who works in the wrong career field, and good parents shouldn’t want their children to be miserable. If you as the parent don’t have the opportunity to become who you want to be, that’s your fault. It has nothing to do with your children. You can say you couldn’t become what you wanted to become because you had your children, but again, that is your fault. They didn’t ask to be born, and they were born because of your actions.
So in any situation or occupation you find yourself in life, realize that you played the biggest part in creating it. Accept it and stay that way or find ways to change it for the better. Either one you choose, let your children live their lives the way they were divinely designed to live it. Otherwise, you run the risk of alienating your children for life.
A word is enough for the wise…
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