Can you love God and intimacy? What if you're single, middle age and a Christian? Where are you in the midst of sorting all that out? How can you have a healthy love life? Or do you struggle? Have you resolved the issue for yourself? These are all too many questions that need to be answered. The book Oh God by Susan Newman, which she was clobbered for writing when she wrote it years ago states that we are born with some basic needs including hunger, sleep, thirst and sex and as human beings if we suppress any of these for too long, we won't have balance in our lives.
The show's guest, Reverend Marcia Dyson is an ordained minister, writer, social activist, political strategist, and contributing author to the book, Black Woman Redefined: Dispelling Myths and Discovering Fulfillment in the Age of Michelle Obama by Sophia Nelson. She wrote the chapter titled Connecting Your Sensual and Sacred.
In responding to the question, connecting your sensual and sacred, can you love God and sex? She said we live in a sexually saturated society, which influences how we all think of ourselves. For example, some women think of themselves as Bad Bitches and Girls Gone Wild. These are two stereotypes of women that are being promoted in various media formats. Or women try to become who we are not by altering our features by using things like Botox to match an idolized ideal. Or in some cases, like with reality shows, we watch and condone the aggression of women against women violence and mean spirited interaction that is promoted in them. Human beings including women are sensual beings. Sensuality is like petals of a flower, which is the most beautiful part of it, even though there are other parts like the stem or even thorns that come along with that package. Even African American women who are religious are still biologically made to have sexual urges.
How do you embrace God and sex? Of course you can love God and sex. We are perfectly formed, so every part of us, including our sexuality is good. The bible commands us to be fruitful and multiply, so we know sex is good. The danger is that sex is now more important than spending the time to get to really know people. The exploitation of women and their images within the society is rampant. So much is occurring, including daughters being sold into prostitution, and human trafficking is also thriving. These things show the down fall of humanity.
Author, Kelly Brown Douglas in her book, Sex and the Black Church: A Womanist Perspective states: while sexuality and passion are not synonymous, they are inextricably linked. Human sexuality is a vehicle through which one’s passion is expressed. It is a receptacle for passion.
What is your struggle? There's a shortage of men. There's a shortage of black men who want black women. There's a shortage of black men who want to be in committed relationships with black women. There's a shortage of men as one gets older. There are a number of men that have never been married because many of them are getting their sexual desires filled without getting married. This is an example of the adage, "Why buy the cow, if you can get the milk for free?" What do you do in that case? The singer Kellis sings, "My milkshake brings all the guys to the yard and they're like it's better than yours, I can teach you but I got to charge.” But what men are asking is, "Can I get some fries with that shake?” We all know, you give people a step and they will take a mile. As we give the milk away for free, men don't have an incentive to marry.
There's a message being perpetuated from adolescence that it's disgusting to be older such as in your 40s and still be sensual, which wrong. However, a fulfilled life isn't about the Marvin Gaye song, Let's Get It On. It's not about jumping in and out of relationships, being uncommitted, having one night stands, and friends with benefits that only end up in a sparse life of failed relationships. People need to go back to being committed to people and then relationships.
Can you love God and sex? Fornication is a sin. God says if you love me you will keep my commandments, but people want to downplay it. Given the modern lifestyle, many things we do is sinful. Fornication, adultery and homosexuality, which are all considered sin are prevalent. FUCK you is derived from the abbreviation of fornicate under the consent of the king because of the illegitimate children in medieval England, which shows this is nothing new.
We can love God and sex but we must put him first. We miss the sense of awe in God when we don’t’ do things his way. David engaged in sexual with Bathsheba, but God still loved him. Loving God and sex is complicated and contextual. For some people a resolution won’t be acceptable. It's individual. For example, someone in a committed relationship may not want to stop having sex even though they should if they aren’t married.
What should a good relationship look like? Audrey Chapman is also contributor to Black Woman Redefined. On page 273 she writes about what if a prince charming doesn't come? What are the alternatives? We must reprogram our thinking and work on getting ourselves together. We must get our own self, including body, soul and spirit and our physical, emotional, health and intellectual wellbeing in order. It's important to not rush to judgment and embrace people as a whole, not just the physical. Choose a partner for their character. Be clear about what you want and need. Don’t focus on the superficial because you need your emotional, intellectual needs met. Don't be shallow, recheck you old patterns and habits that are destructive and haven't served you well in the past. You may even need the time off to get yourself together.
A Good Relationship Profile:
1. Physical Attraction: Look healthy, fertile, and energetic,
2. Intellectual attraction: You can have intelligent discussions.
3. Emotional attraction: Your presence evokes good feelings in each other e.g. laughter, deep thinking.
4. Spiritual Attraction: Connections of beliefs and values.
5. Inspiration: The person makes you aspire to something greater.
There's no perfect person we are all works in progress. God created sex, but fornication is a sin. If we are sexual before giving ourselves to Christ, we can't just turn that off. People use sex to connect with others and to get things. Some people have the bar raised so high that others can't even reach because they want the person must be perfect. They aren't being honest and taking inventory of themselves, so they want the other person to be perfect to make up for what they don't have yourself. Do a thorough self-assessment to know why you need someone with all the trappings of success or beauty. Relationships and friendships are about compromise and being on the same page, if you're looking to stay together. A real relationship can't be about being a size 2 and being aesthetically pleasing. Who you want on the inside may not be a model you can see physically. People need to give that up. Don't judge a book by its cover or people by their exterior. Judge them by the content of their character.
Caller 1: A forty six year old male caller who had never married and is a deacon (How does a 46 year old single man become a deacon when the bible states a deacon should be the husband of one wife?) of a church said he can't find young Christian women to interact with and hopefully marry because there are none at his church. However, he said that while he waits to get married someday, he has learned not to think of women with his eyes and for the lust of the flesh. He is working on himself internally, particularly on his eternity. He however shared that being ok with being celibate takes a while, and it's a lonely life because he's attracted to women.
There's a large group of men who think they don't need to get married. Some are committed to staying sacred and not being a sensual person till they find the right mate for them. A mate should be helpmate meaning the two people should complement each other.
The media images such as rap music and videos also play a part in the negative depiction of women, which is leading to the breakdown of the society. Too many people today function in extremes, they either have a completely carnal and sexual mindset or they cut themselves off completely from intimacy, which causes them to lose their spirit.
Making love is a pleasurable experience in addition to its purpose of being fruitful and filling the earth. If you love God and sex, you should believe it should be within the confines of marriage. In slavery marriage was disallowed. African American marriages and relationships have been through so much. Technology and people's ability to provide for themselves has led to less people getting married because they don't have to.
A Yale University study done showed that 78% of African American women believed they would have major problems finding Mr. Right. Years later a Time Magazine report showed that 42% of them were still not married. There's a marriage resistance that is occurring. If as a Christian, sexuality is supposed to be saved for marriage then what do these women do?
We are sexual beings. The bible states that Adam knew Eve. There is a sexual relationship that's part of it, but it also shows that he took time to know her as a person. People need to take the time to study the each other with an intentional end result of marriage. To those who have never been married, we must look at the structures that divide us. We celebrate women when they are getting married, but what about when they get divorced? We need to celebrate them then too.
Caller 2: She falls into the 78% of the woman in the mid-fifties age range, she's thinking she won't find Mr. Right and has had a long period of celibacy. She called for advice on how to deal with it because she doesn't want to be celibate. She's done it and realizes it's not easy, so she doesn't want to do it anymore but she doesn't want to be out there either. She's looking to be in a relationship, but until that comes along. She has to wait.
When you tell people not be sexual you are asking them to be like zombies. There's a reason that prostitution is the oldest profession. The bible says men should not waste your seed on the ground, but it doesn't say anything about women. She doesn't have to wait. She can use self-pleasuring devices. However, she shouldn’t go too far into the physical devices. Also, she can use her other passions outside of her sexuality. There's a greater work we need to do as Christians in the world.
The book, Our bodies, ourselves, The Boston Women’s Health Book Collective, A New Edition for a New Era says that people should have some sort of sexual release. Sex is a great stress reliever. We can be orgasmic. Even in marriage, some people don't engage is frequent sexual activity, so craving sex is an issue. However, one has to be careful though, because people smell that you are desperate and can use it against you.
Caller 3: A sixty year old caller called in asking, "What do women do in the mean time when they don't have a partner?" A woman doesn't need a man to be sexual. She can touch herself, watch love movies and masturbate. However, she shouldn't get too much into pleasuring devices. In other cultures, the Geisha and Karma Sutra are trained to know how to pleasure other people, so it is good to know about it and that you can pleasure yourself.
Women should be situated and nurtured. That's what women are designed for. However, what we oppress, we obsess, and that’s why people are obsessed with sex in this society. There are still some societies on earth that the people walk around naked and are not obsessed with sex.
Are you struggling, full of guilt, and asking if it is ok to have as much passion towards God as you do towards your sexual experience?
Caller 4: Sex is the second strongest urge we have after food and water, but we can't also let our lower desires run wild and free. And so much of the "milk" out there is sour. Black men have betrayed black women. Some men are so angry at black women and they don't want them. Men are viewing women lustfully; women now have to do other things to make up for that.
Even when you become born again, people just don't lose their sexual feelings. In this society we use sex for everything, such as negotiating power, to get a trophy wife, and being a stud. We use it as a tool for everything else other than to multiply. Social economic concerns also play a part because black men were emasculated during slavery, and even now sometimes with their inability to provide for themselves and for their families, they still feel the same way. However, the ones that are successful betray black women by going to women of other races. It's hard for black women because there are few suitable mates. Some black men also feel that some black women are not attainable so they don’t bother.
In rap music lyrics and videos, women are objectified and treated as objects of desire and lust. It's a struggle here. Going back to the adage that if you give the milk for free, men won't buy the cow, they don’t want to buy the milk because the milk is sour. Many women's attitudes are bad. I have been celibate for 5 years. I realize that you have to kiss some frogs to find your princess but there aren’t many good ones out there.
However, a 48 year old, never been married man who isn’t dating is prevalent profile in many African American communities. Marriage is a journey with ups and downs. So many paradigms exist, and people are like puppets following the status quo, instead of trying to build their own roads. We date backwards in the American society. We show people our best when we first meet them and then we want to stop it when we are together. However, if we can't maintain the initial things we were doing at the beginning of the relationship, it doesn't work. We need to learn how to get along with each other as people in this society first.
Some sadness comes with hearing that a man has withdrawn from social and sexual life, because he would have been an eligible bachelor that would be prime partner for a black woman and he's part of a large pool of men who have pulled out of interacting with women socially and subsequently leaving them with little choices. Men are seeking sincere and sensitive relationships so this is a serious problem for both genders. What conversations are women having together?
Sex is a weapon; the country is driven by commercialized sex, controlled by special interest groups and the government. However, extreme sexuality like the porn industry is thriving because people are consuming that. We are a sexually obsessed society. The American consumer culture is very sex driven. Consumerism is big business and in this consumer driven sexual society, sex is used to sell everything because they want your money. For example, they want you to buy some expensive lubricant when you can buy cheap mineral oil.
Caller 5: His assessment on what things can be done. A lot of people are messing up God's design, and have trust issues and shortage issues. However, some available groups are ignored, while they are available for committed relationships, but these groups don't get women's attention. For example, geeks often don't get the girl because they don't fit in the media’s portrayal of what men should be. People also fall into bad relationships because their relationship with God isn't in order.
He waited on God for a partner and he is now happily married. He did it God's way. He stopped worrying about external factors, got his spiritual life in order, read the word, stayed prayed up and lived his life as God would have him live it and in God's time, he did it.
In some ancient African societies, men had to undergo a ritual where they braved the elements and fought with an animal and conquered it to show they were survivors themselves who had the ability to provide for and take care of a woman, before they were allowed to get married. This was just like Adam who finished the initial assignment God gave him before he settling down. Take the time to know yourself and finish your initial assignment. Then meet people and take the time to know them before settling down with other people. Find the G-spot, the God spot in you.
The topic is broad and dynamic because it includes religion and sex. However, the ultimate goal is a good committed relationship. So the million dollar question is what should a good relationship look like? It's not based on sex. It should include emotional intimacy, getting along, and having the same values. Each person is looking for something different. The “right” person isn't the right person for everyone. There are good men out there, but women don't want to date them because today's standards includes a man having the right car, being buffed, having deep pockets, and looks like a celebrity. It has nothing to do with his spirit, his heart, character or mind. By the time some check off all they want on their list, they've eliminated everyone and there's no one left that can meet their standards.
If Jesus came back would women date him? Women would date Jesus because they are dating even married ministers in the church. We are living in a distracted world. If there were no distractions, we would gravitate towards communal companionship, but the fractured society we live in won't let us. We are even spiritually distracted.
Caller 6: The nice man syndrome is that you have to have this and that and all the external things. If we don't have them we are not nice guys, so men are resisting marriage. His father told him it was time to settle down, so he got married. When his child was born, the sex stopped and they got divorced a year later. He's been celibate for 8 years. He has had sex with other people, but hasn't found meaningful sex. Praying together is good intimacy. Enjoy intimacy with yourself. Get to know yourself. Figure out where you are with yourself. Many people are so self-conscious of themselves and have issues that contribute to other issues encountered when interacting with other people.
Caller 7: Thirty seven year old lady in a two year committed relationship is wondering if she should or shouldn't have sex with her partner, but she's struggling to do the right thing because she has been going to church and they have been speaking to her about not having premarital sex.
Response: Sex is a human and natural experience to have. You have to live with yourself. You have needs and you and your partner may not want to cut off the sex. As a couple, they need to discuss and pray on it. It should be a mutual agreement that one doesn't impose on the other, but they can arrive at that same conclusion together. Romans 8 states that the walk isn't easy, but if we fall, we can rise again. However, we must ensure that we don't miss our God ordained spouse for us through disobedience. An engaged woman struggling with this can move up her wedding so she can be celibate before it. A couple can wait for three months instead of a year because that's when you have more opportunities to fall into sexual sin.
Caller 8: called in saying she chose a man for his character, which is essential. He's a loving and good man, but the sexual and physical attraction is missing which is also causing problems in the relationship.
Response: Visit a sex therapist to work that out.
The biblical Job's patience is lost in this society. We rush everything. We are a rushed society that date's backwards. That's why relationships don't work and the divorce rate is so high. What about "nice ladies"? We only look for "nice men", but no one talks about nice ladies, but we know there are so many ladies who aren't nice. When choosing a spouse, we need a short, not a long list of the criteria of what we don't want, not what we want because sometimes we don't know what we want till we are presented with it and God gives us what we need.
Many women have lost their respect because they give it all away and are left with nothing to bargain with. David who was loved by God sinned, but he repented after his sin with Bathsheba and the product of that union died. He didn't continue on that course. So if you are into sexual sin, realize that celibacy is possible. Self-hate and low self-esteem is causing people to be mean to other people. People are bringing baggage into relationships. These days if you acknowledge a woman's beauty, she thinks you are trying to sleep with her. Men also do some down low things too. If black men aren't up to par, black women don't want them. Unconditional love is what's needed by both parties. Some women are getting married and some are not. So what's working for them and not for others? Black people need to be linked back to form communities.
Source: Audrey Chapman Show 07/23/11
Show Guest: Reverend Marcia Dyson. She is also working on a book novel titled Don't Call Me Angel. She can be reached at thedysonreport@gmail.com. Her website is
www.dysonreport.com Edited by: Susan Majek
