Video streaming, texting, and chat rooms have given way to cyber sex and online and real life infidelity, which unfortunately are now the norm. However, with people abandoning their real life spouses and families, losing their lives, careers and security with it, it's a topic worth looking into.
Amanda Strong, author of With Just One Click was on The Audrey Chapman Show earlier today. The book tells real life stories you'd think are happening in Hollywood, but are actually happening in a suburb near you, all over the US. The book is in a fictionalized setting, so people can take something away from the characters.
She wrote this book because cheating on the internet is now so prevalent. Once you friend a person online, or hook up, it's easy to have a relationship with a great amount of anonymity. Some people don't friend their real life spouse or partner on Facebook, so they don't have to answer the person's questions asking why they are interacting with this person or that person.
Many people have no self esteem, so they prefer the anonymity the internet gives them. They don't have to dress up, go out, or be known. They take the escape route and move into the cyber world to fulfill their fantasies by living an online life without baggage.
One caller called in saying her husband was cheating in many ways including on the internet. It's something new to him that will sizzle and pop because online you find people with less complicated virtual unreal lives. Many live the "when we were single, lives" online. Real life relationships aren't easy or thrilling. So going
online is an escape out for them. Online dating has been a major contribution to much marriage’s demise because many use someone on the internet as a filler to make them feel good. Such stories abound in real life and in the book, Brennan, a married lonely rebounder looks to a relationship with a no-baggage having ex, and uses him as an avenue to get out of her current miserable situation.
A woman called in saying she'd been in a relationship for 15 years and for the last 2 years, she noticed that her fiancé is changing. He separated himself from her sexually and she found out that he has a lot of porn on her computer. So they separated in the house with both living on separate levels. She said she feels violated and shocked, but she always had fears of him having an affair. She feels he's transitioning to a new relationship after using her by moving in with her. She said she's not financially where she can leave. He's taking care of himself, so she should do the same because he's already invested in other online “distractions”.
A man called in saying the internet opened a door that causes havoc because you can find a job, a house, a car, or love online. Even people who don't leave their block now have the world opened up to them where they can change their identity and deceive people into thinking they are what they aren't. Single persons should have options to do whatever they want to do with other single people, but everybody's "single" online, so they can have fantasy cyber sex, while abandoning their real life exclusive relationships.
When you step into the online dating world, you're getting into a different territory. 75 million people world wide engage in online sexual activity, however, people should note that it’s still cheating and infidelity if you are in a permanent relationship in real life. When on the internet, you must be a responsible and educated consumer who is going in with your eyes wide open and taking it for what it is. The internet can be very dangerous. Some people, who couldn't or wouldn't have done this, now do it because it's available to them. However, they forget that it's easier to trace what occurs and many people have been brought down by this including most recently, former
Another man called in saying he views porn sites and talks to people online, but he knows his limits, such as when to cut communication off with some women and that he openly talks about it with his wife, so she shouldn't have a problem with it. I believe that's easier said than done, because addictions don't announce themselves. When he was asked, how she feels about it, he didn't have anything to say. To me the guy appears to be selfish.
Another author, Dr. Marlene M. Maheu, who wrote the book, Infidelity On The Internet and The Mental Health Professionals And The New Technologies was also on the show. She said people seek relationships on line because its an easy, private, isolated, anonymous and very convenient, making it easy. It also allows impulsivity, with a computer or cell phone, you're connected without you having to think too much about it. Instead of a dark corner in a club, a restaurant, or a hotel, now from one second to the next, you can be involved with another person. It all seems so distant and impersonal, so its easy to justify that they aren't cheating. A lot of cyber infidelity have been exposed in the past and people now realize they are hurting and damaging their real life relationships for example, former US representative, Anthony Weiner hurt his wife with his actions.
Some people get obsessed with cyber sex, which is using computerized context, text, sound or images for sexual stimulation. This is very convenient because they are operating in parallel worlds, dividing their energy, between their real and cyber worlds mentally and emotionally. They sneak off and start talking to someone about the positives of their lives, which is easy to do because the person doesn't smell their dirty socks, or know their negatives, while leaving their real life relationships to suffer.
Relationships consist of both people relating and sexual activity, which creates balance. If the relationship is weak, the sex helps buoy the relationship or vice versa. However, many have left their relationships on the back burner while becoming one of these types of people on the internet which according to Dr. Maheu include:
The seeker
The explorer
The romantic
The escapist - who needs help coping with emotional problems because they can't connect with others in real life.
The fiber
The lurker
The compulsive
The criminal
The dumper
By making it easier, the internet is an enabler of the cheating that’s already in the heart. Both men and women cheat, thanks to the internet's freedom. People who are emotional, vulnerable, depressed, with flat and live empty lives, needing fun, play their heart away online. They're so obsessed with their sexual contact online, which includes pornography that they can't stay away because it's their life line and they have to engage in it regularly.
However, like other addictions where the better part of the brain knows what’s being done is wrong, cyber sex addicts do it to the extreme and often to their own detriment. According to Dr. Maheu, in American sexuality, one or both parties is thinking of somebody else. However, the reality is that there's a lack of communication in the relationship, so they don't share such fantasies to make it a mutual fantasy, which can be stimulating and deepen the relationship. Instead many consider it a betrayal. If a man's aware of his own sexuality, all he needs to do is find a partner willing to share them with him. So that when it's happening, your focus and strength will be on your relationship. The exciting thing about sex is novelty, that's why often people get bored and cheat.
Compulsivity like drugs or alcohol ingested to create an artificial feeling is like self medicating which alters the body chemistry just like getting high. When there's compulsivity, there's an imbalance that needs to be investigated. The sexual drive is very powerful in human beings and when there's an underlying problem, compulsion gets out of control. Sex is a primal drive that needs to be controlled, understood, tamed and disciplined.
Are you struggling with cyber sex compulsivity? Answer the questions below to know.
1. Do you devote a lot of time to your cyber sexual pursuits?
2. Are you denying the negative consequences of your action?
3. Are you trying unsuccessfully to stop?
4. Are you increasingly unavailable for other things?
5. Are your social, academic, intellectual, recreational pursuits suffering?
6. Are you obsessed?
6. Do you feel a loss of control about engaging on the internet?
If your answer is yes to many of these questions, then you may be down with cyber sex compulsivity.
If you want to know if your partner is addicted to cyber sex, these are some symptoms to look for.
1. Stonewalling
2. Moodiness
3. Decreased interest
4. Changes in sexual activity
5. Unexplainable new expenses
6. Investigating
7. Checking the hard drive
If your partner is exhibiting these behaviors, then he is addicted.
Another woman called in saying her husband listed his status as single and purchased a different cell phone to use exclusively for his cyber friends. When she says anything, he flips it and says she's insecure. In other words saying, “What I'm doing is ok. You are the one with the problem.” This isn't true. If the man doesn't get help, you get help.
Another caller who has been married for 3 years, said she moved in a year before the wedding and her husband got a computer, got online, and hooked up with his ex and other women. One day she walked in on her husband watching his ex video streaming her self in a sexual way to him. Then she began intercepting emails and chats and found a whole lot more. This is a man who went to have a fun weekend with the same ex-girlfriend after they got married. When she confronted him, he didn't get it, that looking at another woman sexually isn't ok. This man is a seeker looking to interact with many women on the internet. Because he's on the internet and visiting porn sites, her 13 year old son sees different inappropriate things pop up when he's using the computer. Now she's looking on the internet to see what's missing in her as a woman or their relationship. She feels unwanted and less than. However, she must realize that it's easy to take it on and personalize it and end up with lack of self esteem, so she should realize that she's not the one with the problem.
Another man called in saying the internet is an open window to a brothel and that most men know that. He said men in this culture needs allies. However, he said most men including him, don't have allies to help them block negative images, which are catalysts to sin. For example, he was staying at a hotel and requested that the adult channels for his room be blocked for the duration of his stay, which didn't happen. He had to repeatedly address this issue with the front desk. He said it's a daily battle for his soul.
He said men must start out taking responsibility for trying to go uphill instead of going with the flow. Women have power to stop the wrecking of families occurring, which can be stopped by partnering to stop them with men. Women have influence over fashion which is another way we can help. He said even as a person who has traveled a lot, he had not seen so many tight clothing wearing women as he has seen in DC. He said, Lord help me, there's boobs everywhere, which reinforces the programming to objectify women as being only good for one thing. If a man is saying that, ladies do you see why we woman can be our own worst enemies sometimes?
The man should be commended for trying to do the right thing. It's a challenging and anxiety inducing thing to want to do the right thing. However, there are groups formed to help online by using the internet for positive not negative. He's fighting a good fight. If you are having such challenges too, below are some resources for you.
http://www.onlinesexualaddiction.com/
www.sexaa.org
www.sexandloveaddictionanoymous.com or org,
www.sexualcompulsive.com
http://www.sexhelp.com/
http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/
www.ncsac.org
If you’d like an ebook on online cheating , send an email ebook@cyberinfedility.com
They are also forming a support group. If you’d like to join, contact them at http://www.cyberinfedility.com/
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