Verbally Abusive Relationships

How's your relationship with yourself?

Did you know that millions of people suffer verbal abuse from peers, parents, partners, boss, and even other cultures? Verbal abuse is an attempt to control you. Are you in such a relationship? Today we are with author of Patricia Evans, author of Victory Over Verbal Abuse; A Healing Guide To Renewing Your Spirit and Reclaiming Your Life. Her other books include, The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?, and Controlling People.

Increasing awareness is what we are about. Verbally Abusive Relationships is becoming a more used term. In 1992 when I wrote my first book it wasn't a much talked about topic and wasn't counted as abuse. However, as time went on, it has become a known type of abuse and like other forms of abuse; it is used to control others. For example, in the survival book, it teaches the victims to know what's going on with the abuser and how to get away from the abuse.
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They don't know what's wrong in the relationship, but they know something is wrong. After 2002 it is recognized more as part of abuse. Bullying is verbal abuse. In the reality shows verbal abuse occurs often and it is made to look acceptable. People don’t know, but many of the reality shows are scripted and people don't realize that. They think this is normal behavior and that's normalizing it in the minds of people. Almost always, verbal abuse is not just people being verbally abusive to each other. There are other underlying things as well, like bullying, control, fear, intimidation.

If you are in a situation where you are physically or verbally abused you should leave.

Being verbally abused can impact anyone's confidence.

Generally, it happens in relationships of any type including, teen or adult, or short or long term relationships because the partner that's being abused keeps focusing on what they can do to not make the abuser angry, by thinking, “What I can do to make the person happy, or maybe I said something wrong, or maybe I did something to make him or her angry.” If it's not name calling, some people don't see it as verbal abuse. However, verbal abuse can take various forms such as belittling, inappropriate jokes in social settings, discounting, ridiculing, put downs, and then the abuser says, “Can't you take a joke?” Or they say, “You are too sensitive.”

In reality no one lives in your psyche to think for you to then be able to say you are too sensitive or not, so they can't define what is normal for you or what you should find funny or not. What is happening is that you are being defined by the abuser and the abuser is trying to make you believe what happened is okay.

When in such relationships, women will feel lost, lonely and depressed to the point that they need to seek medical help or even register in a psychiatric hospital. Both men and women get abused, but men seem to experience it less and speak less about it than women do. The calls I get from men, include that they are being woken up in the middle of the night and raged at by women with borderline personalities and other similar issues.

 Caller: I need help and don't know what to do. The abuse is occurring in my relationship with my spouse and I also have a 2 month old son. I hear yelling, and put downs often. He's often threatening to hurt me, and he has put his hands on me, and told me shut up.

Guest/Host: Tell all the people you can trust what's going on. It's not your fault, but it is directed at you. See if you can video the abuse by getting a recorder and tying the cord around your waist or put it in a fanny pack. If he tries to take it from you, he would have a harder time. Also, always have a cell phone on you to call 911 and you can use it to record also, because the video gives you a record that can help your case. 

Most abusers threaten that if you leave, you'll never see your kid again, so the more you have recorded on camera the better for you. Make the presence of a camera normal in your house by videoing things all the time including your baby. Make a video scrap book of your baby's development. If the abuser gets used to seeing it in the house, he won't question it that much. You may have to call and get a restraining in order against him and get him sent to jail because abusers need big shocks to show them that what they are doing is not okay and is very wrong. Nothing happened like this before you married him right?

Caller: Oh no. He was so nice. We did things together. We went places together. Now this is the biggest shock I've experienced in my life. It's so hard for me to want to get up each day now. 

Guest/Host: He's saying I can't hear the real you. He's telling you things like, "You're lazy. You don't do anything. Also, it's classic for them to switch behaviors, so when they do by acting like nothing happened or it wasn't a big deal, or they become overly apologetic and buy you gifts or begin crying and saying it's your fault for making them mad or your fault for not doing something or the other, don't believe them. Get the books, Controlling People and Victory Over abuse. Also, go to My Sisters Place, where you can get help and advice. You can also call the domestic violence line at (1800) 799 SAFE or (1800)799-7233 or visit www.verbalabuse.com

You don't have to take verbal abuse. Do you take it because you question that you will never love again? Do you feel you are being controlled all the time? Are you wondering how to get your confidence and self-esteem back? How can you recover and become the person you used to be?

Caller: My mom is abusive. When I was growing up, we were not really close. She said things to me as a child that weren't beneficial. She treats most people in the same manner. As an adult she wants to build a relationship with me. Lately, she's been calling. Last weekend she called and I had to get off the phone to do something. She called 15 minutes later and left negative messages on my home and cell phone calling me names in not so lovely worlds. I need help to know what to say to her, so she knows how her words affects her relationships with me and others.

First, set boundaries, tell her, "I don't want you to ever call me names again." Keep a record of all her messages. Something’s wrong in her psyche. She sounds emotionally unstable and needs to take care of herself. However, be realistic about what you can achieve with your mother and learn to manage the relationship.

You can say, you are busy, if you are talking to her, and limit your conversations with her. If she talks negatively to you, she has to know that she can't access you anytime she wants and also that you have a record of what she has said. Self-preservation should be number one for you. It's important to know she has emotional problems, so you must distant yourself from her and limit contact and interactions with her. If she's putting you down on the phone. Tell her, “I'm hanging up,” and hang up and switch off or disconnect the phone.

Sometimes people are dealing with abnormal, borderline psycho or personality disorder patients and people often mistakenly think their behavior will normalize them, but it's impossible. Only getting medical and psychiatric assistance can help them. You can't explain it to them. Even if you do, they will never get it. To them, what they are doing is ok. You have to let them know that it is not okay or justified, because the abused person is being damaged in the process. Self-preservation is key.

Caller: I need help with an abusive woman. I feel I'm being verbally abused. Her attacks towards me have showed this, but she believes it's her defense mechanism. I feel bad about what she says to me because it makes me question myself worth. She has some valid points, but the delivery leaves much to be desired. Then an hour later, she will talk as if nothing happened and doesn't realize what she did and how it made me feel.

Guest Host: Is she on drugs or alcohol?

Caller: She's on prescription pain killers. She went to a psychiatrist and was told she has depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder. I feel we need to go our separate ways, but I feel responsible for her condition. She depends on me financially, because she's not working.

Guest: She's not a healthy person. It may have started in childhood. Don't do couple's counseling with her because they'll say it's 50/50 and that you are both responsible for the situation, when it's not the case. Invite her to therapy, when she stabilizes then you can go your own way. PTSD treatment would be the most recommend for this situation. Somewhere and sometime in her life, she's been traumatize. That's what causes all these conditions. Get her to her physician and ease your way out of your relationship. As long as you are around, your abuser you will not get better. You have to leave. Record her actions. Establish a haven for yourself such as a church.

Verbal abuse is real. How can you heal from the trauma and become the person you were meant to be? Healing starts when you are free from abuse, which can be through separation, ending the relationship, limiting the time you spend with them or going your own way. Also there are therapies available to both the abuser and the abused. People with ADHD that have trouble managing anxieties often abuse people.

Treatment therapies help include: 
EMDR Therapy: An accepted psychotherapy for the treatment for a variety of symptoms and conditions. www.emdria.org

Shock and Trauma Therapy is necessary for both the abuse and the abused.

Narrative Therapy helps the victim build a sense of self to identify with the stronger parts of their psyche.

Somatic Experiencing releases frozen internal energy within

Hypnotherapy takes the victim or the abuser back to their childhood and see if they heard or experienced neglect, deprivation or abuse such as being beaten, hit, yelled at etc, so they can process and release the trauma.

Biofeedback is good for the victim relaxing, taking the stress out and being in charge of him or herself.

Breathing techniques help when anxious to counter panic attacks.

Caller: I've been in an abusive relationship when for 5 years. I dated an abusive man who grew up in an abusive home where his mother abused his dad. I let it go and my whole life has changed for the better. If you have children, they will watch the abuse and do the same thing.

Guest/Host: You left, but it was a process.

Caller: Yes, it was a process. I didn't want to be alone, my kids are grown and it took me at 8 years. I just thought that was the way it would be for me forever. My children didn't understand why I stayed. I had a black eye, and I even had to be hospitalized. No one should take abuse from anyone.

Caller: I'm in a 3 year old relationship; I’m told by my wife that on occasion I can be verbally abusive. My dad physically abused my mom, and my mom verbally abused my dad. I've also been diagnosed with PSTD, depression and anxiety.

Guest/Host: Google, "Men ending verbal and control" and many resources will come up. Also, you can read the book, Controlling People, and it shows you how the family you grew up in you has affected you. Keep doing therapies like EMDR via emdia.org to resolve the childhood problems you have. Also, record what you say, when you are talking to your spouse, so you can replay it and see what you do, including telling others how you think they should think, and feel or what they should do and all the things that you want to make define others. Healthy people hold others in curiosity and do not tell people who they are, what they should do and how they should be, while abusive people are the opposite. The trauma from childhood disconnects abusers from themselves, so they project themself on others and define their needs in others, including who they are and what they should do.

Caller: I was in verbal abusive marriage for 26 years. I was a housewife with 7 children, only a high school education and was married at a young age. I walked away from my husband who was the pastor of a church. I went to a shelter and because I was sexually abused as a child, they took me in under that covering. They said because I was not physically abused by my husband they couldn't help me. I've been out here for 7 years and I refuse to go back and give up my freedom. I went through a lawyer who helped me anonymously because he knew my husband and I got a divorce, but he told me that with my husband's mentality I wouldn't get anything. Once I left him, I was the bad person who left the “nice pastor” and our home. My relationships with other people changed. People stopped talking to me and wouldn't have anything to do with me because of it.

Guest/Host: You can visit www.verbalabuse.com Some victims go to churches that offer help. Verbal abuse doesn't have publicly funded agencies. You may have to leave, go to another city and establish yourself there.

Source: The Audrey Chapman Show
Guest: Patricia Evans
Broadcast Date: 01/07/12