The Power of Touch

One of the most powerful things you can do to someone else may be one of the simplest: touch them. In January, the ABC News program 20/20 did a piece on Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords and her recovery from a gunshot wound. Medical experts openly theorized that the power of touch may have been instrumental in her recovery and that of other patients as well. An ABC News Nightline piece in June reported on a study showing that the basketball teams that touched the most, won the most. Years of research has shown that you may, in fact, have magic hands!

Audrey Chapman and her guest, clinical psychologist Dr. Gayle Porter, had a conversation about the many reasons for you to reach out and touch. Below are excerpts.

It’s a subject that’s near and dear to my heart. Is it hard for you to touch in a non-sexual manner? Do you have a situation where you are convinced someone’s loving touch made a difference? Are you in a relationship where you don’t touch anymore? Do you want to be touched? Are you having difficulty with being touched? Do you feel touch starved? Have you been touched inappropriately and now you are uncomfortable to being touched? Do you have only pre-sex touch? Does it hurt or anger you that you are not touched? Is your relationship touch starved?

 Early development of what touch means to you sets the tone for people’s lives. Touch is important to one’s sense of wellbeing and helps you connect with others. It does wonders for you physically. Touch releases Oxytocin, the bonding chemical which helps people want to be close to each other. When people are exposed to violence in the home, family or in the community, it inhibits their ability to function properly and the result is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The threat of violence stops people from experiencing touch in a positive way. Touch is very important in life. Whether touching with a significant other, or with family or friends, it’s a basic human need. For many people, the only time they get touched is an entrée to a sexual experience. If a touchy feely person is with a non-touchy feely spontaneous person then there may be issues. If you are single and not around friends and family much, or physically challenged such as being disabled or old, it’s very easy to become touch starved.

 People often touch babies and toddlers, and then when they get to a certain age, people stop doing that, when it should be continued through all the stages of development. Some people have animals as pets just to have something to touch. Touching in the context of female bonding and friendship releases positive stress reducing hormones in women. Women need to feel free to talk about touching. This happens at Sister Circle meetings and at the end of the 12 weeks they say their outside relationships are more powerful and have improved.

Massage is used to relax people who aren’t open to or not as comfortable with touch as others are. There are different types of massages. There’s oncology, scar tissue, post-surgical massage, pre and post natal, and pre and post-operative massage. Cancer survivors can be helped by massaging their feet. The key is to start slowly and take it easy when working with people who aren’t used to being touched. With massage, gender issues may occur, however, male message therapists can give and receive massage from both genders. Massage therapy is booming, but there’s still gender discrimination against both male and female. Women sometimes ask for male massage therapists because they feel they have more strength to put into the massage. However, small Asian woman make excellent message therapists, so that reasoning is baseless.

Q&A

 Q: A female caller who was inappropriately touched: “I was young at 8 or 9 years old, and I was touched inappropriately by my sister and I’m now uncomfortable with being touched by my daughter, but not by men. I explained to her that it’s not that I don’t love her but I just feel uncomfortable when she touches me. ”

 A: I commend you for having the courage to share that with your daughter. Both males and females can molest, so it’s not only men that do it. If you are having problems touching in a relationship you can tell the person, “It can be hard for me to hug you like you deserve. It has nothing to do with my love for you. I love the fact that you love me and I love you, but it’s going to take time.

Q: A male caller whose partner doesn’t want to be touched: “She won’t talk about it. She accuses me of only wanting to touch her when I want to have sex.”

 A: Some women think and say men only want to touch them before sex. Some women have been sexually abused or have been pushed away when they didn’t want to give sex, because the only way some men know how to relate is sexually.

Q: A female caller whose son wants more touch: “My 13 year old son is violating my space. He’s all up in my face and I’m finding his touch awkward and annoying.”

A: He might need more attention and affection from his dad that he’s not getting and he’s overcompensating. You may need a man in your life. Talk to him about it. Tell him that it’s nice that he’s loving and affectionate, but sometimes you may not be able to respond the way he wants me to when he wants you to. Receive counseling on the issue because there may be things in his life that he needs to talk to you about but he isn’t right now and it’s manifesting in other ways like his desire to touch you.

Q: A female caller whose ex-husband wasn’t the touching type: “I’m a touchy feely person but my ex –husband wasn’t touching me because he had little to no touch as a child and he struggled in the marriage. When I was with him, it didn’t register with me on why he wasn’t into touching, but looking back at pictures his postures were like he required nurturing. For example, he was always putting his head on my shoulder.

A: Now you are aware of the kind of touching you want, you can talk about it and it’s out in the open, up front. Just like you talk about your finances before you get married, not afterward, talk about it with your prospective partners so you are armed with the information.

Q: A female touchy/feely caller: “I like to touch. Not only affectionate touching, but playful touch as well. I tell him I love to cuddle, but he says we’ve got kids, and he doesn’t want them to see him doing that even when the kids go to bed. He wants to do things spontaneously, but we can’t because we have kids.

A: The question to ask yourself is, “Is he a good father, husband, provider and protector and does he show his love in other non-touchy ways? If he does, you know he loves you, but you want to show the kids a positive model of touch and cuddling so you should express that to him. You have children, so you can’t do things in the same way like you don’t have children like being spontaneous. “

 Q: A married female caller: “I’m in my 40s and my husband is in his 50s. I’ve had a hysterectomy and all the accompanying issues and he lost his mother as well as having other health issues.”

A: You have a lot that has occurred, so the energy that could be dedicated to sex and touching is depleted. You may need to work on getting some of that energy back first.

The ultimate message is, reach out and connect with each other by touch!

Source: The Audrey Chapman Show 8/20/2011

Guest: Dr. Gail Porter, co-author, "Prime Time: The African American Woman's Complete Guide to Midlife Health and Wellness and Co-Developer of Prime Time Sister Circles.

Upcoming Event:

Primetime Sister Circle would like female listeners interested in joining the Sister Circle to call (202) 403-6266. They will have a recruitment event on Sat August 27^th from 9am-12pm for people aged 40-75 at Greater Mt. Calvary Church at 610 Rhode Island Ave Washington DC 20002. Only 2 hours per week of your time is needed. For more information, http://www.gastonandporter.org/sister-circles/sister-circles.html