Q: I am not receptive to my partner's hollering and yelling. She says she's not yelling. She's just passionate. She has a tendency to go for 15 min and then she calms down. However, while she's yelling, I'm trying to interject and she can't hear it and accusations follow because she can't hear what I said.
A: When someone yells, you defend yourself and you may even shut down. However, you can be curious and ask why they are hollering. For communication to work, the other person has to hear and receive what the other is saying. The solution isn't in middle of the hurricane or in the eye of the storm. It's in preparing for the next one. So, talk to her in between the yelling episodes, like hours later, when she's calmed down, not while she's yelling.
There can be many dynamics occurring when interacting with the people you love. She could have anxiety, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, drug use, alcoholism, ADD, and ADHD. You don't necessarily know what she is dealing with because different variables play a role in her short fuse. You don't know all her past or have all the data about her. It could be that complex. What's going on with a person in front of you, isn't all there is to it because of their history.
When she starts yelling, in your mind, you go, "Oh no, here we go again," because you know what you are in for. You get overwhelmed and get caught up in it. She's scared too. There's a lot going on in her you don't understand. If you understand what she's saying, that's the validation piece, but the resolution still hasn't occurred yet, so she's still upset. You can say, "Right now I'm listening, I'm all ears. I can see how you see it that way, however this is how it happened," to soothe them. So you're not fighting or discrediting what they are saying and so they don't get fired up.
Q: I had a high conflict relationship. We are both sensitive and we used to argue. Mirroring what the other person says has worked wonders for our relationship.
Mirroring is getting closer to Validation. When we respond to a validation, we communicate that we understand the other person's anger, pain, thought or actions and we accept them in that situation. It's like empathy. However, it's sometimes confused with agreement.
Q: My partner won't resolve issues. He doesn't want to revisit issues. He just wants to sweep it under the rug. He shuts me down. He says I'm done with that when she wants to resolve issues, so it's still unresolved. When things pile up, at that point when you want to begin to address issues, you wonder which one do I address first because so many things have occurred.
A: When you sweep things under the rug, all you get is a pile under the rug. Sometimes, we can't express ourselves, so people suppress their emotions till it boils over and they spew it out, often when you don't plan to. When a woman is talking about an issue for 15 minutes, it may be to vent about 3 years’ worth of the issue piling up. Her partner says I'm done with that when she still wants to resolve issues, so it's still unresolved. What he should say is, "I understand the issue and I don't want to revisit it but I have thoughts and issues about it and I'm afraid they will show up at a time when it won't be good for either one of us." So you can request to talk about it, because if you don't, you will be carrying it around. You may get shut down. So don't do it when things are heated. Do it when you are relaxing and say, "You know we talked recently and I have some thoughts and feelings towards it." If your feelings are ignored, it shows up in the area of intimacy, so they end up paying a bigger price for the issue overall. Your tone of voice, choice of words, timing and location all play a role in the communication exchange. Sensitive issues must be addressed correctly. So put a cap on it and wait for the right time. You said at a point you wonder which one of the many issues do you address first because so many things have occurred. So you must pick your fights. Everything can't be an issue. Talk about things that make the relationship better. Let some things go. So often, we cash in our relationships too soon. Don't throw in the towel too soon. However, reality is that in relationships, one person often works the hardest to keep the relationship going. This issue is ongoing. Things will happen and you will have good and bad days.
Q: I was drinking a lot when my partner met. I have stopped drinking but now we have re-occurring issues like finances and he's also verbally abusive. I'm communicating my feelings to him, but I get no feedback and he shuts down. Everything I do isn't enough. He's also very close to his family. When we are discussing an issue, he wants to involve his family and I wonder if he's serious.
A: Alcohol impairs your whole nervous system and your judgment. You must know how to address conflict and put it in its proper context. You often only notice negative traits or behaviors, but you can open you mind to see a bigger picture. This negative behavior may be integral to who your mate is. In relationships, whatever works for you is how you do it. There's not one way of doing things. You must have a safe place to talk about old unresolved issues. You do it little by little. Your husband’s words, just like yours, are important.
Q: It seems like there's never a right time to communicate with my partner. When I see a good time to talk to him when he's rested, he's into video games.
A: Communicate outside of the home when he doesn't have as many distractions. It's important to pick your fights. People get into zones where everything is a fight.
Every single thing isn't an issue. When you discuss an important issue, the space and timing must be right. Outside after sports may be a good option. However, say "I" not "You" and be willing to hear the other person out. Don't cut them off. Understand what they say before you give your rebuttal or comments. Maybe you're living with a narcissist, maybe that's the reason you can’t get along.
The High Conflict Couple; a Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy, & Validation by Alan E. Fruzzetti, Ph.D is available everywhere.
Edited by: Susan E. Majek
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