Delayed trauma, deep psychic , traumatic, physical and emotional wounds, Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome Disease, and feelings of despair, emotional, physical, spiritual and financial, and readjustment stresses can haunt a person . Soul wounds can occur and affect the probability of such as person's marriage lasting. Create a strong core with your partner. This is not the same as adoration, romance, or sex. Some people equate closeness with struggle based on past experiences. If you are one of those people, reflect on when you began to equate relationships with struggle, but chances are, it is from your childhood.
Early and damaging signals and confusing messages that parents or care givers send make children slice off who they are. People shouldn't enter a relationship wounded. This isn't healthy. Be aware of your emotional wounds. For some people, they don't want men like their fathers who emotionally or physically abused or abandoned his family. Some men, who weren't nurtured, don't want to or don't even know how to nurture others, so they can't be there for their spouse, children or families.
You have to learn to know who you are, your true self, beyond fears versus your wounded self. Your true self could consist of your family background, your gender, your ethnicity, your temperament, your race, your educational level, your common sense etc. Take the time to think of what your true self wants. What would you do with no fear, rejection or wounds such as the wounds of racism? Look at yourself, your life, and your history to know your true self. To thine own self, be true.
Too many people live unresolved lives. Resolve your issues with your father, so you don't have lost hope and missed opportunities in your life and future. You must be your true self in life, at work and in your marriage to really thrive. A good marriage has joy, genuine passion, and mutual respect for both parties. You should also have positive rituals you do regularly, such as writing love letters to each other, taking long walks or having a movie night to enjoy each other and reflect on your life together and as individuals. Maintaining your dignity is a fundamental requirement for a satisfying committed relationship.
Money secrets & spending habits also greatly affect relationships. These include credit cards, charity, each person working to pull their financial weight, if she earns more money, dining out, and living a middle class lifestyle including cars, house, vacations, clothes, grooming, furnishing, private schools for the kids etc.
Men will flip the script on women and make you believe everything is the woman's problem in an addict /enabler cycle. As adults we mirror the destructive behaviors we witnessed growing up. For example, alcoholics' children become alcoholics or marry one to recreate a familiar environment. Children of batterers become batterers or marry one. The cycle of addiction can be broken, but not by denial. The issues must be exposed and treated, and all those impacted must be helped so they don't carry such psychological wounds into their future lives.
The "Till death do us part" people say in their marriage vows is often a lie because there's a 50% divorce rate. However, the real percentage of divorce exceeds the often quoted 50% because many couples are divorced but going through the motions of having a marriage and many couples die emotionally, spiritually, sexually and sensually within their marriages.
What will make your marriage more satisfying, rewarding, and mutually beneficial and how do you plan to not get divorced or despair?
Marriage should consist of a couple made of solid mature people who have found a way to honor each other, have things in common, are going in the same life direction and want the same things in life while realizing that periods of conflict, boredom, stress and hardship afflict all marriages and will afflict theirs too. Deep passion is possible when created in the context of a committed relationship. The love depicted in movies isn't real. It's for entertainment purposes only and has nothing to do with reality. Con men can zero in on a woman's vulnerability. Manipulators and power mongers have no remorse or conscience and can sniff out a good victim and speak predatory lines to them. A victim will take the bait, while a non-victim will ignore it or bite back.
Some people marry people who don't exist. They marry an illusion of person not the reality of the person they are with because they may believe the person has potential to do something or they can change the person. People must be aware of con artists and that love doesn't batter, demean, or scare. Love is gentle, kind, doesn't track wrong doings, forgives, repents, affirms, makes room for differences, and provides safety, honor and a sense of wellness. People should be strong and secure in who they are and what they want. People need to love, care for and respect themselves. It takes a frightened woman with damaged self-esteem to believe the lies an abuser uses to justify his negative behavior. Don't compromise your self worth. Know who you are with or without a partner.
Abusers convince you that you need them and call it love. People need to know that something hurts so much because when the ache started as a small throb you accepted it. Then the ache became deeper and you accepted that too. Then when the abuse became too much to bear you said it has become unbearable. If you ignore the symptoms, it will grow to kill you. Have the ability to self-protect. Honor yourself and show honor to others, however, it must be earned.
If you leave a relationship or environment, don't leave the lessons you learned there. Be pro-commitment, but not for needless suffering. Vow to be alive in your marriage not dead. Otherwise you squander God's gift of your life and time that should be used to bless the world. Before marriage, discuss money, sex, kids, jobs, spirituality, and beliefs. Everyone wants a great marriage, but no one wants to do what it takes to create and maintain one. Your partner must share your goals, objectives and key values. If you're afraid as a person or in the relationship certain issues will destroy the relationship, then the relationship doesn't have what it takes to weather the storms.
In relationships, approach conversations from honesty, with an openness to learning, and not from a place of confession. When evaluating life partners, don't focus on a person's status. Look beyond the superficial and consider qualities required for a relationship to withstand the long haul. Curiosity and inquisitiveness are gifts to marriage, which is a platform from which new conversations are birthed and unlocks treasures of each one's uniqueness. Your home is your haven that shields you from the world. It is your sanctuary or the eye of the storm. You shouldn't be made to feel insignificant or taken for granted in it.
Marriages where both spouses have friendships that are non-threatening, where both parties have permission to be honest without fear of retribution or consequences and there's an expectation of mutual accountability is best. Good friendships are a gift. In good relationships, people do what they don't like for the good and benefit of the relationship. Consider work, home, money, relationship history, sexual health, appearance, parenthood, extended families, friends, pets, politics, community, charity, military, law, media, religion, culture, leisure, social life, holidays, birthdays, travel, education, transportation, communication, meals, gender roles, race, ethnicity and differences when evaluating a life partner.
Marriages where both spouses have friendships that are non-threatening, where both parties have permission to be honest without fear of retribution or consequences and there's an expectation of mutual accountability is best. Good friendships are a gift. In good relationships, people do what they don't like for the good and benefit of the relationship. Consider work, home, money, relationship history, sexual health, appearance, parenthood, extended families, friends, pets, politics, community, charity, military, law, media, religion, culture, leisure, social life, holidays, birthdays, travel, education, transportation, communication, meals, gender roles, race, ethnicity and differences when evaluating a life partner.
Marriage or relationships are made or broken by daily interactions. Many people's dreams of marriage end at the "perfect wedding," which includes a catered dinner for 200 people, prime rib or sea bass dinner, the hottest wedding band, pink color scheme, flowers, four bridesmaids, groomsmen and twin flower girls. However, you must be aware of the post wedding blues, which occurs when life hits you in the face after all the attention of being a bride and all the excitement and joy of the wedding is gone.
Marriage is not about manipulation or domination, slavery, bondage, or competition. Marriage is a covenant between two equals in a bond of love, emotional and spiritual maturity, with adults expressing strength from their union. Be blessed to gaze up on love, truth, commitment, passion, joy, and devotion at best. You should have no illusion about marriage in the pursuit of a wedding or marital perfection. Know you will be challenged and changed in marriage. Marriage should be a life long journey, not a life long struggle. At your wedding, guests should leave having experienced love, truth, and possibility for themselves as well as for you.
Marriage takes practice, determination and focus. At your bridal shower, ask each person to tell a story from her own marriage or that they've witnessed. Weddings should be filled with sheer hope. Note: a wedding ceremony doesn't create anything. Your actions create something. In marriage, don't have isolating schedules, sabotaging events and destructive behaviors. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. You can't wish things into changing. Faith without works is dead. You must work to reap the benefits. Just like you can't watch an exercise video and think you'll lose weight.
Don't be your frightened child self. In a relationship, show up as adults and rewrite the original script of your life. You do better when you know better. Now you know better, be wise and let truth be the belt that holds you together. There must be safety, trust and respect in your relationships. When people run away from hotspots, they are in trouble. These are issues that feel supercharged with emotion. You cannot heal an original and sacred wound with an artificial substitute, for example, by having affairs.
Marriage is not easy. The brokenness of the past can become a talisman for the promises of the future. Before you renew your vows, acknowledge your marriage for what it has been. Write the story of your marriage, choosing themes that enhance your union's struggle. Who have you been? Who are you committed to becoming? Your reflection on past years will resonate as milestones on an ongoing journey. Ask yourself, “What has the journey taught me?” Marriage is a training ground for success. Nurture yourself physically and emotionally. At weddings they say for better or worse but hope for better and ignore the worse. Relationship partners will let you down during hard times. Some people counted on riches, material wealth and emotional availability which they don’t get. Their disappointment shows, and they harbor the fantasies of youth, which won't fade, so they retreat into themselves and lick old wounds. Restore your vitality and vibrancy. Resume talking on the phone, dancing, and other activities that made you happy.
What we should stand for is another person who stands before us as a witness to our life. This book is a process of awakening us to live in truth and probe beyond our comfort zone, to stretch our emotional and relational maturity. This stretching is a process. However, the more you do it, the more limber your muscles will be. Remember that life happens when you are busy doing other things, so begin to live your life today
Culled from Lies at the Altar: The Truth about Great Marriages by Robin L. Smith
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