Why do people get hurt in relationships? Have you been hurt? Are you nursing and holding on to the hurt like it’s a valuable diamond? You should figure out where you are in this mindset because people run into problems and become hurt and wounded and have trouble relating beyond that.Would you like help? Well if you are, you are in the right place because that's what we will focus on today.
Family, colleagues, neighbors, fellow church members, and fellow civic organization members are some of the people you are in relationships with and if you are not taking care of yourself and your needs, you will run into relationship problems. People who are hurt, emotionally unstable, and more about their partner or relatives than themselves are especially at risk for this. Some people get into relationships with people who at first seem to be sweet and then find out that they are controlling, aggressive, unhappy and unable to cope with life themselves, but they stay because they believe love trumps everything and they can’t or won’t abandon others, even when it’s detrimental to them. People get hurt for example, when there is a history of depression or substance abuse in their lives or past. Or for example when they are from a family where they feel a need to take care of someone that comes with a lot of drama and issues and takes advantage of others.
People should know that there is a connection between our spiritual and emotional lives, and our spiritual and emotional health are connected. It’s hard to see yourself in a loving relationship with a deity when you don’t have one with the people who are around you. Love hurts is an oxymoron, because if you will love, you will get hurt. You will be disappointed but you have to move through it rather than avoid it.
There are many reasons for people hurting others. Some people lack of a sense of wholeness, which makes them make bad choices. You can also choose inappropriate people to be around you because you are unsure of who you are and who you need to be around. People must be clear about their values and morals and these have to fit with the persons you want to bring into your life, whether it is a romantic partner, a colleague you eat lunch with or whoever. Be clear on who you are. If you are not, you open yourself to whatever comes along. If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything. So, create your boundaries and standards and live by them. Have morals, standards, goals, dreams and hopes. Know when another person’s lifestyle isn’t one you want to be part of and move on.
People need to understand that love doesn’t hurt. If you’ve been hurt, it wasn’t love that hurt you. People hurt you, not love and when you are hurt, it impacts all facets of your life. When you’ve been hurt, you can begin to view love as something that hurts when actually love doesn’t hurt, people do. So many people avoid relationships because that’s the mental association they make.
Who is responsible for you hurting? Can you see the bad choices that led to you being hurt. It’s a series of choices you make. You choose people who come into your life. The only people in your life that you don’t choose are your family members. Every other person in your life is there by your choice. Your morals and values lead you to choose people to come and stay in your life. Many people choose the people in their lives because they are looking for people to complete them, give them qualities they lack or give them validation. Some people look for flashy people, people who drive fancy cars, or throw money around, but that has nothing to do with content of the person’s character. Most people aren’t impressed with character because they get caught up with the superficial image they see and they are more attracted to the plastic image than reality, which is the character. People engage with others in relationships whether it’s appropriate or not for them because its all about images and trying to be like the people they believe have got it going on because they perceive that they do, even if in reality they don’t.
People are hurt and don’t take responsibility for their part in what occurred. Getting hurt is usually a two way street. We don’t see it for what it really is because we don’t take it for what it is and put the blame where it belongs. Also, not all hurt is intentional. Hurt occurs in the process of life. That’s a risk we take when we love people. There’s always that risk involved in life. Love is signing up for vulnerability. We hurt and are disappointed in ourselves, so we must resign ourselves to that reality that if we are in any kind of relationship we will be hurt sometimes.
Why Do We Get Hurt? Below are some reasons:
You have partners who won’t commit.
They cheat and you put them on a pedestal.
They are not emotionally committed or available.
Your partner has all the control and power.
You more interested in what they desire and not what you desire.
You want to shape them into what you want.
You are waiting and hoping they will realize what you want.
Some people are hurt after giving or loaning money to others and they don’t even get a thank you or any show any appreciation for what they’ve done or some people even trash talk them when they want to be paid back. They are hurt when people don’t even remember the transaction, especially when they loan money to coworkers who then can’t even remember they even loaned them anything, which I believe is a bad idea.
Some people like to play the victim which suggests all the power was not in your hands. You come off as a victim. They say, “It was all done to me.” We act like we didn’t participate. When we get hurt in relationships, we are willing participants. No one hurts us without us allowing it. We bear much of the blame.
Caller: My mother, grandmother and I were all victims of domestic violence and because of this I had a distorted view of relationships. Trauma was at the base of my choosing relationship partners. I started witnessing trauma before I could speak. It became my norm. So those were they types of relationships I had. I’d leave one and go to the next. So I got help. That’s when I knew that I didn’t understand that I had such a distorted view of relationships. I stopped using drugs and abusive relationships to live my life and now I teach others how to heal
Host: Psychologists call that repetition. You were hoping to master it and have a better handle on it by always getting in such relationships, but you never do. The important thing is that you went to someone to help you sort out your feelings and see what is. I commend you for coming to the place in your life where your eyes were open, saw the reality of it and got help. The audience needs to understand the importance of getting help. You can’t fight giants yourself.
Caller: I was in an unhealthy relationship. Unhealthy relationships were a normal for me. What happened in my relationship shouldn’t have happened and we have children. The relationship included him having affairs and mental and emotional abuse and infidelity. Now I know he’s trying to change, our communication is improving and he’s getting help, but I want us to be communicating better now and I am ambivalent about trusting him again. I don’t know if I should stay or leave.
Host: How’s the communication? Are you seeing a difference? Is he getting help? It sounds like you haven’t worked on yourself. You haven’t worked on the betrayal. You want to trust him again, but something is telling you will get hurt again. The reality is you may get hurt again. The reality is if you are going into this or another relationship, you will get hurt where you are or anywhere else you go as well. If this person is meaningful to you, work with what you’ve got because he’s working on it, especially since there are children involved. Work on your trust issues and on being patient with the process. The situation is serious but not hopeless and is not to be made light of in any way.
Caller: About a year ago, I cheated on my girlfriend. She took me back and she always brings up and throws it in my face. I admitted that I messed up. She was concerned about the way she found out because I didn’t tell her. She knows I wouldn’t have told her but she brought it out of me by saying she knew.
Host/Guest: You cheated, she found out, you got back together and didn’t work on it. You have unfinished business. Affairs don’t happen in a vacuum. It happens because something isn’t happening between the two of you. Talk about your expectations, needs and what you’d like to see happen. You just can get back together with all that unfinished business. When a fracture like that occurs in a relationship, the violator needs to understand that they need to earn back the violated person’s trust. You have to be a lot more transparent and accountable about your interactions even though it may feel like you are punking out. For example, when you say you are going somewhere, you have to call them from where you are, tell what you are doing and even have the person there validate you are there by having the guys say hi on the phone. The best, most solid and secure relationships require safety and security. Relationships won’t last without trust. If you breech that trust you must restore it by being sincere, accountable and transparent to earn it back.
Caller: I meet a lot of people and I’m outgoing and I meet these men and they ask to have sex with me. I don’t want to have sex with people. I want to know the person first. I’m scared when they ask me for sex. It gets frustrating because all the men I meet ask me for the same thing. I don’t want to do that, but I don’t want to be by myself either. People say I look like a party girl and I’ve stopped going out as much as I used to, but I like the way I look and this is the way I am. I don’t to change myself because of anyone.
Guest/Host: Getting to know you sexually isn’t getting to know you, the person. You’re an intellectual, emotional and physical being. This is the standard you have set of conducting your life. If that’s not what the other person wants you have to move on. You need to be okay with your life. Just realize that person that wants only sex from you isn’t a good fit for you and move on.
Caller: I caught my husband cheating. I saw calls on his phone and text messages. I looked her up via the internet and I went to her house, and I saw them making love through the window. I went to my car and called his phone. He didn’t answer the phone when I called and the only time my husband doesn’t pick up his call is when he has his pants down. I noticed the two people where making love. I went back to my car to calm myself down. Then I went to the door and knocked and she came to the door and I asked to speak to my husband. Then I saw him half dressed with the young lady. I put him out the next day and he moved in with the young lady the next day. He’s had five affairs that I know of in the 24 years we were together.
Host/Guest: He has a chronic sexual habit. It’s about taking care of you. You can’t live your life looking over your shoulder wondering what’s going on etc. He is probably a sexual addict. He will do the same thing to her that he did to you. It’s great that you became your own detective to confirm things, but get in the healing zone to take care of yourself.
Caller: I have been dealing with a girl for 3 years now. In the beginning she told me she didn’t want a relationship but we got over that. She has OCD, and every October she breaks us with me and after about a month she takes me back
Host/Guest: Get help to help you understand what’s going on. She may have a problem with getting too close to men, so she ends it so she doesn’t. Don’t’ continue the pattern with her because its unhealthy for both of you.
Caller: When I was in college, I took a girl home to meet my parents. The next day she broke up with me. I woke up and decided that this will never happen to me again. That set the stage for the next twenty years of my life. I had unresolved pain and I was pushing women away. I couldn’t commit. I even pushed my wife away. As soon as I felt too close, I’d push them away, but when you are dating several people and you don’t commit there’s an emptiness you feel. Through counseling and self help books I’ve been able to change. I’m calling to share that that’s what unresolved pain sets you up for. I called some ladies from my past and apologized to them for not being a good man to them when I was with them.
Guest/Host: you must have done some self discovery to realize that and that’s excellent.
Caller: I’m seeking help to make my relationship work. I was married for 9 years to a man that didn’t treat me right. I got divorced. I met a sweetheart five years ago, but I took him for granted because of my past hurt. He encourages me to listen to your show. I want him to know that I’m a changed person and that I want to keep the relationship.
Host/ Guest: Sit down with someone like a relationship counselor therapist to begin helping you work through the unfinished business you have. You need to give it time because it’s a lot of stuff. Both of you should have a meeting or two with a therapist to get on the right path.
Source: The Audrey Chapman Show
Host: Audrey Chapman
Guest: Rev Dr. N. Leonard Smith, Senior Minister of Mount Zion Baptist Church Arlington Virgina. www.Mountzionbaptist.com
Edited by: Susan Majek.
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