The Lost Art of Seduction

You’re flirtatious, charming, and open. You’ve got your “fish” at least partially on the hook, but you suck at reeling him or her in.
Or you want to be seduced? What about the lost of art of seduction? Want to know how to find your seductive side? Want to know how do we rekindle your sexiness and seductive side? Most people will answer yes. However, there is no more animal magnetism around us because we want to solve all our problems so fast like on 30 minute TV crime dramas, which isn't realistic.

Today Dr. James Wadley who is a therapist joins us. He is the author of Would You Marry You? and The Lost and Found Box: A Provocative Exploration about Rediscovering Happiness and the REAL You! Being sensual and having magnetism is an inside job because there are lot of layers in personal sexuality. We have to know ourselves first.

Book Quote! "When you socialize, get in the mood, get out there and show them how adaptable and sexy you can be."

So many people are too fast to get into relationships. They meet online or in a club and the next thing, they hit the sack and it's downhill from there. Some people are sent wrong messages like masturbation is wrong from childhood. Some people don't like their bodies. So, how do we know our bodies to know what turns us on when sometimes how we relate with our bodies is associated with shame and secrecy? For example, most boys don't discuss their first wet dream (nocturnal emission) and girls don't discuss their first menstruation with their parents or care givers. We all get mixed messages from our parents and care givers, movies, TV, so many of what is around us is an incorrect or unattainable ideal, so people make it up as they go.

To know where you are on the sexual spectrum, ask yourself the following questions:

List a sex act you've never done, but might in the future.

List a sex act you fantasize about doing.

List a sex act you would never do. (This is to know your boundaries.)

List your favorite sensual act.

Real sexuality is all about knowing and articulating what you like and don't like to your partner. Some people fear expressing themselves because they fear how their partner will perceive them. However, 9 times out of 10, in my practice, when they say what they like, their partner responds by saying, "I'm into that too!" It can even be something non-sexual like you whispering in your partner's ear or feeding them fruit. Have a constructive dialog about it knowing you won't be minimized, judged or ridiculed. Healthy sexuality should be the first frank conversation. The second conversation should be about telling each other what turns you on. What we see on TV or film is so romanticized, but that's not reality. Seduction is knowing what pleases you and turns you on and teaching your partner what it is.

Q&A
What's the difference between seduction and manipulation?

There are differences between seduction and manipulation, but some people blur the line. The question to ask is this a casual encounter or commitment based relationship and is there a space to discuss which it is?

Caller: I've been married for 26 years, how I get my sexy back?

Guest/Host: Getting your sexy back after 26 years of marriage depends on what you and your partner like. If he likes foreplay, do it. Take it slow. When you cut to the chase you miss out. What's your hurry? Your bodies are there and you want to get it over with, but spiritually, mentally, physically, sexually, intimately you are not all there. So, a good thing is to let everything else go and relax. Take a shower together and explore your bodies. Sexual intimacy shouldn't be so genitally focused. Explore your bodies before intercourse through foreplay. Take your time before you go down the intercourse path. Explore having sex in different places. Don't get into a rut. Remind yourselves of your past pleasurable sexual experiences to rekindle the fire.

Caller: I've been married for 10 years, but I believe women don't focus enough on their sexuality. Men are very visual and spend tons of money on watching women in porn or at strip clubs. I suggest pole and chair dancing classes, which are liberating, exciting, and good for women, because our men go out to get it, so women should buy poles and chairs for their own homes, and take classes to learn the art, so our partners aren't resentful, unsatisfied and unhappy.

Caller:  We raise our daughters to be passive princesses, and our boys to be aggressive and take them away into the sunset how does one balance that.

Guest/Host: Women need to reclaim their sexuality, otherwise they will have unbalanced relationships.

Caller:  How does one make time for celebrations with going to work and other life's commitments?

Guest/Host:  You need to plan. You can celebrate valentines the following weekend because this year it was on a Tuesday, which would have been rushed with going to work that day and the next day. Make that celebration count and celebrate it, but it doesn't have to be on the exact anniversary day, birthday or Valentine's day. Schedule it to suite your own life.

Caller: We used to have sex a lot before marriage, now we don't. She has a 12 year old daughter ADHD who can come in and out of our room anytime she likes, which disturbs our ability to be intimate and she's also going through menopause. I was raised that your parents room is sacred and you knock before going in, but she wasn't and it was with her mother for so long before I came along. We love each other, but the intimacy part is out of whack. Even when I suggest a quickie when her daughter isn't there, she say's she's not in the mood. The daughter also wants to interfere with the affection I give her mother. She's not used to affection from a man because her father wasn't around.

Guest/Host: Women need more time to get into the mood and warm up. Also do non-sexual things to get together like massaging her scalp when you are all watching TV. Talk to your wife about the relationship and her daughter. Also talk to the daughter to ask if she likes her mother having a husband vs. not having a husband.

Caller: My partner likes oral sex. What is it about it oral sex for men?

Guest/Host:  He probably cares that you are able to do it for him because for black women it is often a taboo. The message they are sent is that it's gross, it's nasty, and you shouldn't do it. Have a conversation to discuss your anxiety and concerns about it.

Challenge yourself to make changes within your self and in your relationships. Sex is good as long as it is consensual and safe, so relax and enjoy it.

Source: Audrey Chapman Show
Guest: Dr. James Wadley
Broadcast Date: 02/25/12