RE: The Girlfriend As The Wife, The Boyfriend As The Husband

A Couple Arguing 

Courtesy of Getty Images

I thought I'd share the BellaNaija.com recently featured relationship article with the referenced title available at http://www.bellanaija.com/2011/05/04/the-girlfriend-as-the-wife-the-boyfriend-as-the-husband%E2%80%A6maka-why/ with Sociable Susan Magazine readers because it serves as a great teaching tool to help educate women, so that they can avoid the many pitfalls that plague us women these days all in the name of being “modern”.

Both scenarios in the article remind me of the saying, "If you're getting the milk for free, why buy the cow?" Both girls are also under the mistaken notion that catering to their boyfriends’ needs will ensure them being rewarded with marriage or the security of being “taken care” of financially. They found out the hard way that that isn’t necessarily the case.

This is a great article to let the many women who have sold themselves cheap, been used and discarded by men in their hopes of getting an engagement ring and hopefully secure the ever elusive "Mrs." title, know they are not alone in their plight. I want women to know that I understand and empathize with their personal desire to get married, biological clocks, parental and family pressure, and the constant disrespect single women endure. I totally appreciate the situation and thoroughly understand the often perceived desperation women have to settle down, which often manifests in bad decision making because I am in the same situation myself. However, how we feel about being single and react to the situation is our choice.

In order to view the situations in the article correctly and know the right reaction in response, the question to ask oneself to help understand the foolishness of the people in the articles’ rules of engagement which frankly is the “world's norm” is, "What does the word of God say about it?"

Sex and servitude is the medium of exchange in both scenarios. However, in the first scenario it is stated, while in the second scenario it is implied. If both ladies weren't serving themselves to their boyfriends on platters with the belief that they owe them for services rendered, they wouldn't feel the way they did when their expectations weren’t met in their respective situations. They didn’t manage their expectations correctly by putting too much effort in the relationship and not getting the assumed and desired results.

In situations when one isn’t clear, the bible which is the unchanging word of God is the best reference. One can try to think things through or ask others for advice. However, be warned that when one tries to think things through, one may not be able to do so effectively because one is so close to the situation and may only see it from a biased, traumatized and affected perspective. Asking others for advice also has its own draw back because human beings see things through the lens of their own personal experiences, thought processes, values and culture which change from time to time and person to person. Even people like the supposedly “conservative” aunt in the article had a surprising way of viewing the situation. Therefore, it’s fair to say that human beings aren’t reliable. Remember Woodstock and free love? Where are the people and the mentality they had then now?

That’s why the unchanging word of God in the bible is much more reliable than the ever changing word of man. Fornication is strictly forbidden in the bible. End of story. If both couples had embraced this commandment, what happened with both scenarios wouldn't have.

Where are your morals ladies? Sleeping over at men's places, serving them and having sex with men you aren't married to, only leave women emotionally unstable and vulnerable because sex is different for both genders. Sex is a physical act for men. I’ve been told by men that sex is similar to taking out the garbage for them. It’s just an activity they like. Not much thought goes into it and not much thought goes into after it either.

Sex doesn’t make a man emotionally invested in a woman. However, it is an emotional act for women, where they emotionally bond to the man they sleep with. Consequently, if things don't work out it, it affects women psychologically, emotionally and even sometimes mentally. Women should embrace this knowledge because when two people engage in any activity with different desires, goals and assumed results that doesn't manifest, someone gets hurt and most times, it’s the females...

Aside from the bible and morals, another angle to view the scenarios from is that medically when you have sex with anyone, you are having sex with at least the last 10 people they had sex with prior to you and come in contact with whatever they left behind in the person who is now the host. It's because of things like people having multiple sexual partners that there so many diseases in the world including AIDS.

Then there's the spiritual angle to consider because when you have sex with anyone, you become one with the spirit of that person and there is a transfer of spirits (including demons) during intercourse. Even viewing the situation from just the physical, the situation isn’t better because although there are exceptions to the rule, most men are innately selfish and self centered. Being a Nigerian and a Yoruba girl at that, I know that Nigerian men are mostly egotistical and Yoruba men are mostly arrogant. I say this knowing that more often than not, who they are is not really their fault. It’s just how they are raised and socialized.

This Abiola guy, being a Yoruba guy is the combination of all three. So, here you have a selfish, self centered, egotistical and arrogant man, definitely a triple whammy for the unaware woman dealing with him. This type of man is not looking for an equal in a relationship. He is definitely looking for a maid/girlfriend, which he'll have no problem finding. He'll find one who will happily be promoted to the maid/wife role soon because so many Yoruba girls are being reared to eagerly and happily assume that role.

Thinking that playing the wife role is the price for an engagement ring, a marriage proposal or spending money is laughable. Women can attempt to rationalize it as much as they like, but the truth is what it is. In a situation where manipulation isn't at play to directly or indirectly influence a man to be with a woman or no ulterior motive exists behind a man’s desire, a man will marry a woman with or without the woman playing the wife role, if he’s ready for the relationship; he’s innately attracted to the woman and views her as “suitable.”

The definition of “suitable” depends on what he innately desires which is different for every man out there. This is where a man’s upbringing and temperament play a poignant role because if there’s no external motivating factor or extenuating circumstances, a man will find a woman who has what he’s missing and who completes him. He will find his missing rib by gravitating to a woman who has what he lacks. Hence the term, “Opposites attract.” Behaviorally, meek men like go getters, non-nurturing men like nurturers, and controlling men like subservient women. Physically, tall men like short women, light skinned women like dark skinned men and overweight people like skinny ones. The list is endless.

As for Kiru, girl, I hope you learnt your lesson that manipulation doesn’t work. Even if it works short term, it doesn’t work long term. You don't see the results of manipulation because manipulated circumstances have many spectators, but when things fall apart, people hide it and suffer silently. Playing the wife role before marriage is manipulation because it is an attempt divert nature's course by a person taking calculated actions to affect a desired outcome.

As the saying goes, “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.” People should let God’s will for their lives come to pass. Manipulation by serving as a wife before you become one never ends well. Chuck your actions and the subsequent undesired results up to experience and re-dedicate your life to Christ. As a fellow Nigerian, I know you own a bible and contrary to what you may believe, it's not a book end or for decorative purposes. Take the time to read it. You will definitely learn a lot from its content.

A word is enough for the wise...