Change & The Power To Change

How is your relationship with yourself? If you don’t have a great one, then you need to work on change. Change and the power to change is what we’re talking about today. Change can be a self defeating, thought provoking, thinking pattern changing event. Thinking in a thoroughly positive way is the highest level of thinking of success, joy and health.

Change can be challenging, but we will help you with that today. I have a guest here, Leila, a regular listener of the Audrey Chapman show. She is a 33 year old divorcee with no children and she will help you by sharing about her process of change.

Change is something that people struggle with and wonder about because they aren’t clear on what to do. We all have a will to do what we want to do. Author, Wayne Dyer in his book, Excuses Be Gone states, “I believe that any thought patterns that don’t enhance and expand your joyous development are excuses.”

Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired? Do you want to move from where you are now to where you want to be? Do you want to know what the process is?

We are talking about change and how people go through change. Leila, a listener for 5 years is originally from NYC. You believe it’s possible to change, but it takes time and work. You have the desire and want to change, but then you must seek the tools. You must change your thought processes and your outlook to ultimately change your life. I come from mixed family of Muslim and Christians. I was a Muslim and I went out into the world with no preconceived notions and I was treated differently. I was shocked and traumatized by how I was treated because the focus was on what I look like. I was basically thrust into the lions’ den.

All of the emphasis and focus was on the fact that I was covered. I started covering at 19 and I went to an HBCU in the Deep South and I was surprised by the exposure I gained by being from NYC, which when you are there, you take for granted. Everyone in the world is in NYC. It’s a melting pot, so I was surprised that other people around me at school didn’t have that kind of exposure.

Change and how people go through change. What affected you that made you feel you needed to address change in your life? I started going to see a therapist when I was married, and the last time I went was for myself. What were you interested in changing about yourself? I was interested in changing the effects of discrimination and its effects on me because I was angry and I didn’t want to stay that way. I also went because my mother was ill and I needed to speak to someone about that.

Now I understand myself and others better. That’s what you get in therapy. You share information about yourself to gain insight about yourself and how you get in your own way, self sabotage and have self sabotaging behaviors. In therapy you have an epiphany or ah hah moment. That’s what therapy is all about; to make you better and to help you make new choices to put your life on a better path. It takes hard work and time and you can be confused, angry or frustrated with yourself in the process. It takes time to be still, to know why you think a certain way, do things a certain way and to be more conscious of yourself.

People don’t want to be aware of themselves. They want to focus on other people’s lives and ignore their own problems and issues. That’s why TV soap operas and reality shows are popular. For me, the beginning of going to therapy was about my mother, and also my lack of interest in men. I was so goal focused and I got to know a Muslim man with the intention of getting married. I wasn’t successful, so I focused on my goals and now I’m fine.

How do you participate in self defeating ways that are preventing you from living your best and happiest life in terms of success, joy and health?

The Audrey Chapman Show prompted her to think about her life because it entered her life when she was going through a divorce. She learned what she wanted out of life and what to do to obtain it. Don Lemon, the CNN reporter and news anchor on the prime-time weekend version of CNN Newsroom, based in Atlanta, during an on-air interview with members of Bishop Eddie Long's congregation on September 25, 2010, he said that he was a victim of sex abuse as a child, and that it wasn't until he was thirty that he told his mother about it. In his memoir, Transparent, he acknowledges publicly that he is gay and discusses colorism in the black community, racism, homophobia, and the sexual abuse that he suffered as a child.

He said he was dealing with how different he is. Being different, attending HBCU and being treated with open discrimination and prejudice was surreal for me. African Americans and the African American community don’t see themselves as discriminating of others or carrying prejudices, when in fact they do. They are only sensitive to being discriminated against as a group themselves.

In therapy, some things I learned about myself came out, like how much my childhood affects me and my life, and how that can all change through me making better decisions to let my situations have better outcomes, and for me to have better balance,  maturity, and less stress. All this have been awesome. It taught me to focus on a plan and give myself permission to operate on the plan, and not to focus on the problem, but to focus on the plan to get out of the problem.

Plans are changeable, but you need them because you need to start with something. You can’t just jump out there. You need some structure which is what plans are. Also, be aware of what you don’t know. You need older and wiser people in your life to help advise you to make better decisions. Change isn’t something you need to do alone. A friend, a therapist, a mentor, or a coach can guide you. No one ever got anywhere by themselves.

People ask for help for many things, but when it’s for making decisions or choices we are reluctant to seek help. People think it's about someone else telling you what to do, when it's actually not. It’s about advice. Decisions are changeable. You can back up and try something else. You can do something for a while before you change it because it’s not working for you. Everything you think, say or do is a choice. Entering into the vast world of excuses is the major reason people don’t change. Thought patterns are the biggest thing people grapple with. People tell themselves they can’t do something and this is overwhelming for them, but we all have the power to change our lives.

My guest Leila put herself in therapy to help her cope with mother’s illness and discovered there were many reasons to change for herself and she left therapy with many tools to redefine herself. Huge changes are what people want, but we need to take little baby steps towards change, so we don’t traumatize ourselves. Baby steps count too. Life is about the journey, not the destination, so enjoy it and walk in the direction of your goals. If you want big results immediately, you can get depressed and disillusioned and stop what you are doing, when you shouldn’t because little steps add up into big changes.

Caller: It’s important to focus on self. I weighed 200 pounds in elementary school. I am successful in my career because I’m very educated, but I focused on my education so much, but I was crumbling inside. I focused on losing the weight.

I joined Weight Watchers for the 8th time and got a trainer. I felt accomplished when I lost 150 pounds. Making exterior changes in my weight made me feel better on the inside. I started with diet, but I’m focused on my whole self now. I’m able to be more authentic with others because I’m not hiding behind my weight anymore. It’s no mistake that we are all overweight in my family because we all eat the same way.It’s a family learned behavior and its no mistake that we are all overweight in my family. Getting healthy have affected my other relationships in a positive way.

Guest/Host: It’s not what you’re eating, it’s what’s eating you. You were using food to self medicate. It’s hard to work on the abstract, such as the inner self to change because education is structured and planned out for you, so it’s easier to do.

You are on the right track of learning new behaviors. They teach dealing with your whole self at Weight Watchers, not just the weight. It was started by a registered dietitian and a doctor and you do the program in relation with other people in a support group setting, so you have a support system and that makes a difference by humanizing your situation, so you feel it’s ok and you can get through it just like the other people around you.

Start somewhere with change. Congratulations for getting and staying on the path. Stay on the path till you achieve your goal. Start small and see that you’re able to fulfill your dreams and then you can take on more. Being scared is very natural because change is part of taking risks.

Caller: I’ve become extremely jaded. I’m not the person I was once. I was very healthy but a personal failure has taken its toll on my confidence and self esteem. What can I do to make changes? I got into my passion, which is sewing and each piece I finish, I feel a sense of accomplishment ,but I still engage in the bad habits, such as substance abuse and I back slide, self sabotage and I stop and start using again. I sabotage myself like I’m not worthy of success.

Guest/Host: You’re in battle with yourself. The old part of you is holding on to the old paradigm of negativity in you. You are swinging between the new and old you. You are using the drugs to put you back in that negative place. Get yourself in a 12 step program to have the group support of others who have been where you are to be successful.

It will feel uncomfortable at first, but you need to do this to kick start your change process, so you don’t relapse and you can get to the other side. This applies to any type of change. To get out of any negative behavior, you need people cheering you on and supporting you. You have acknowledged that you have a problem, which is the first step. You are in a vicious cycle that you can’t stop on your own. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results. It’s like spinning in one spot and not getting anywhere. You need to make changes to get the results you desire.

Caller: My name is Debra. I’m in the process of changing for the better at 50 years old. I have always felt bad about myself because I have a hypercritical mother. I was in the armed forces and made Captain before I spiraled out of control with drugs and alcohol. I’ve been clean for 5 years now. A year and half ago, I lost my job and became ill due to a digestive problem because I couldn’t digest food.

The problem stemmed from my emotions. On the advice of a friend, I began walking, made dietary changes and I began to feel better. Now I do yoga several times a week, I walk for miles, I pray always, and I’m back in school back at Catholic University as a straight A student. I didn’t know I was creating my own dilemma. I didn’t have any thoughts or opinions about myself. I was assuming and believing everything others said about me.

It’s important to watch what we eat, feed our mind, body and spirit. The food I was eating was contributing my emotional condition. Foods like refined sugar, tobacco, and caffeine were affecting me. So, I had to detox and stop eating all those things and red meat. Simple changes I made have made profound changes in my life and I feel better.

Guest/Host: You took control of your inner life due to changes you made. You are at the base of everything in your life. People get disconnected and confused. You had a rough childhood, and the older people get they are less likely to change, so you've done very well. It’s harder to change when older, but it’s possible to be the very best person you could ever be.

It’s sometimes better to change when you’re older because you don’t have as many distractions. There’s no plateau and “we are done” doesn’t exist because we are all a work in progress. You never know where you will have a learning experience, so keep the child inside you alive. Keep your curiosity alive and be open to learning something new.

Have you changed anything in your life? How did you do it? What were the processes and the steps?

Caller: I’m a compulsive over eater. I’m an emotional eater. I’m an every eater. I couldn’t self cope I was taught how to eat to self soothe. When I was younger it was sex and alcohol and later it was food, which was that one thing I thought was safe. However, it became an addiction.

Guest/Host: Find a 12 step program, so you are surrounded by people who have "been there and done that" and have had relapses. Food is an addiction and you need help. There’s a 12 step program for everything. If you really want to make change you can get free support for it. Change isn’t easy and it’s hard to do alone. People use anything to feel good including shopping and gambling because they also get a high from it. Fat people don’t love food; they just don’t love something about themselves. 12 Step groups are also good, so you don’t get into other co-dependent relationships.

People think of excuses that stop them from doing what they want to do. Change will be different. People say or think things like it’s risky, takes time, it’s too much drama, it’s not my nature, I can’t afford it, it’s too much, no one will help me, I’m not strong or smart enough, I don’t have the energy, I’m too busy, or I’m too scared.

Caller: I was married at 19 years and divorced at 30. I raised my three children who are all doing well now by myself. I’m now 61 and I was laid off my job, but I’m ok with it because now I have time to spend with my mother.

Guest/Host: That’s what life is all about. It’s all in how you see a situation. Some people would be upset over being laid off, but you see the positive in it.

Caller: I appreciate your show because you are free therapy for so many people. I met a great man 10 years ago. We’ve both benefited and given to each other over the years. We have lived together for 6 years and I thought our next step would be marriage but he doesn’t’ seem to believe in that, so on January 1st, I will move forward by myself.

Guest/Host: You have to make the best decisions for you. Expectations for others can become a disappointment. We have to focus on the long term benefits of the choices we make, so we can come out better in the end. Give yourself time to work it through and out of your system.

Final Thoughts: It is good to be open to new ideas, but verify your ideas against your belief systems to see what will work and what won’t, and create affirmations for yourself to nourish your soul.

Source: The Audrey Chapman Show
Broadcast Date: 12/10/11
Guest: Leila