Photo Credit: brainz.org
How’s your relationship with yourself? If you alive, you will deal with losses at some point or the other in your life. In order to get through these types of periods in your life, you have to be in good shape. Loss, unlike many people tend to believe doesn't only mean the death of your loved ones, it can include unemployment, relationship break-ups, moving, divorce, Alzheimer’s and other situations which make you experience a plethora of feelings.
When hit by a loss, many people first go into denial, and then overwhelming sadness. We all go through emotional and psychological changes when we hear of a loss. What do you do when you hear a loved one has been diagnosed with a terminal illness, has been injured or murdered, or your child has died and you have to deal with the loss of a child you thought would outlive and bury you, which is always very unexpected? What do you do when the funeral and the memorial service ended?
Today we have, Leadership and Motivational coach, Robert Pruitt, author of Out Of The Box: Sharing The Gift You Are With The World, It Is Well With My Soul! Watching Daddy Live! He will shed light on this topic.
What do you do when the funeral and memorial has ended?
My choice has been to continue to live. My grieving process was about creating a new normal. What I do is inconsequential. Who I became is more important. I was caught up in what do I do? I was looking at the doing, instead of focusing on being open and honest. I journal to maintain my sanity because it allowed me to keep my sanity. I then put the journal in a book, so that others can have something to pull from. After the casket is closed or the cremation has occurred, what do you do?
You should honor your new normal.
You state the following in your book, It Is Well With My Soul! Watching Daddy Live!
I’m a human spirit that has successfully completed life’s graduate class in “terminal illness.” I use the class metaphor because I felt I was thrown suddenly and without warning into a “pass or fail” situation. I didn’t ask for the class nor did I want to say in the class. I was forced to deal with the fact that the class, and in this case, experiencing my dad’s illness and death was going to occur with or without my permission and despite my desire not to attend. I quickly recognized that if I attended the class faithfully, I would need to surrender to my uncomfortable experience and study my lessons daily. I knew I was doing well in my “class” when I began to experience peace with greater frequency. It is my sincere hope that his book will serve as a “spiritual tutor.”
Yes, I was thrown into grieving my father’s death. I did not sign up for that class. No one signs up for it. Sometimes, it comes suddenly or sometimes a terminally ill person tells you they are going to pass on, but that still doesn’t prepare you. Even if they live longer than prescribed, both the person helping the dying person and the dying person need help to process their feelings.
When you suffer a loss, you go through stages in The Kübler-Ross model, commonly known as The Five Stages of Grief, which was first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying. Included in the book was a model, The Model of Coping with Dying, which she based on research and interviews with more than 500 dying patients. It describes, in five discrete stages, a process by which people cope and deal with grief and tragedy, especially when diagnosed with a terminal illness or experience a catastrophic loss. In addition to this, her book brought mainstream awareness to the sensitivity required for better treatment of individuals who are dealing with a fatal disease or illness.
Kübler-Ross added that it's important to note that these stages are not meant to be complete or chronological. Not everyone who experiences a life-threatening or life-altering event feels all five of the responses nor will everyone who does experience them do so in the order in which they are written. Reactions to illness, death, and loss are as unique as the person experiencing them.
Not everyone goes through all of the steps or goes through them in a linear fashion. Some steps may be bypassed entirely, others may be experienced in a different order, some may be re-experienced again and again and some may get stuck in one. These stages of coping with dying are now frequently referred to as the Kübler-Ross model, The Five Stages of Dying, The Five Stages of Grief, The Five Stages of Loss, The Five Stages of Coping with Dying, The Five Stages of Coping with Grief or The Five Stages of Coping with Loss.
The stages, popularly known by the acronym DABDA, include:
1. Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of possessions and individuals that will be left behind after death.
2. Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy.
3. Bargaining — "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just do something to buy more time..." 4. Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die soon so what's the point... What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
5. Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their mortality, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event.
Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to people suffering from terminal illness, later to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). This may also include significant life events such as the death of a loved one, major rejection, end of a relationship or divorce, drug addiction, incarceration, change in office environment, the onset of a disease or chronic illness, an infertility diagnosis, as well many tragedies and disasters.
Kübler-Ross claimed these steps do not necessarily come in the order noted above, nor are all steps experienced by all patients, though she stated a person will always experience at least two. Often, people will experience several stages in a "roller coaster" effect—switching between two or more stages, returning to one or more several times before working through it. Women are more likely than men to experience all five stages.However, there are individuals who struggle with death until the end. Some psychologists believe that the harder a person fights death, the more likely they will be to stay in the denial stage. If this is the case, it is possible the ill person will have more difficulty dying in a dignified way. Other psychologists state that not confronting death until the end is adaptive for some people.[2] Those who experience problems working through the stages should consider professional grief counseling or support groups.
Caller: When my cousin died and I was told about it, I didn’t cry. I was shocked and didn’t know how to deal with it.
Guest/Host: You go to a numb place of, "They didn’t really say that the person died. It can’t be true." It’s a coping mechanism to help you to not fall apart. You will revisit, holidays, anniversary, birthdays, and annual traditions you had with the person in your mind.. Grieving is a process. Reliving an experience is not recalling it. We often recognize and memorialize times we shared with our departed loved ones. For example, today marks my father’s birthday and I’m speaking about this topic on this show. There are no accidents in life. When a person dies, we go through emotions like, “I didn’t keep in contact enough” or “I didn’t do enough.” We can recall special times we shared with the person, which is good. However, reliving the past isn’t good because it is an attempt to go back in time, which is impossible. Recall the past in ways that honor you and your loved one's memory. The responsibility you have is to maintain your new normal that is a nurturing and gentle life to you. You can’t control that the person has transitioned. Take the lesson and live it through all your other present relationships.
Caller: My mother has Alzheimer’s. She recognizes me every now and then, but it’s not fair that her life turned out this way. I’m a different person already because I'm watching her Alzheimer's experience and I'm always angry. How do I not place my anger on my kids who are wonderful and doing great things?
Guest/Host: Are you part of Alzheimer’s support group? You need a place to go and vent, so you don’t displace the feelings of anger where it will do harm like on your children. All hospitals have such support groups, so you need to contact them and focus on honoring your mother. Get involved in a hospice. Also, work through the grief. It’s cathartic to have your feelings written down in a journal.
Book Quote from It Is Well With My Soul!: Watching Daddy Live!
“It was 4:20 A.M and I had awakened for the second time in twenty minutes. The time my slumber was interrupted by the monotone sound of my pager gently encouraging me to respond to it. My heart rate quickened as I reached for the device, which I conveniently placed next to the phone. The number that flashed across the screen was unfamiliar. Yet the message was delivered long before I nervously dialed the number.”
My father passed on and I had to make the 25 minute ride to get there after he passed. I didn’t anticipate going to see him before he passed. I knew he had passed. He woke me and my mother up at the same time even though we were in two different rooms at the time.
Have you lost someone that was close to you? How are you getting through the holidays without them?Robert Pruitt: I’ve expanded my role. I have been a life coach for over a decade, and I found that you can move from a gray dismal canvas to a canvas that’s bright and full of opportunities. Declare what you’d like to do. Set goals of what you will and will not do. I had three life changing losses at the same time; I had a divorce, I became unemployed, because the grant funding for where I worked ran out, and my dad called telling me he either has tuberculosis or cancer.
Caller: My father died and we had a funeral last Saturday. He was a veteran. He was wheel chair bound, so I feel I lost him 20 years ago. He was a demanding man and I saw him humble himself over the years, but the grandchildren never got to know him as he was before. I’d like to journal and write about it.
Guest/Host: You can record, and journal your thoughts. Don’t worry about the right or wrong of it. Just get it out of your systems first. Resist the temptation to intellectualize your writing. Just write. Writing is to push out. It is an expression. Don’t stop yourself. Just write. If you are grappling with issues, write with your least dominant hand. This forces you to go to a childlike place in your psyche. Resist any inclination to edit what you write. Let the feelings or thoughts flow.
Caller: My second oldest son was murdered in DC with his friend. I still grapple with the stages of loss and grieving. My mother also died years later. I honor him. My first loss was because my first son was incarcerated and then my second loss was my son’s murder. There’s a spiritual warfare occurring which I noticed at my son’s candle light vigil. I still think about him. Sometimes the thoughts bring me joy and sometimes sadness at different times.
You never lose your connection to your departed loved ones emotionally, and you can and should honor and celebrate those feelings. Death highlights your beliefs and thoughts about life. It shifts your priorities and fosters new awareness. If there are things you are holding on to around your son’s transition write them down. Write things like, “I forgive my son”, “I forgive the world for his murder.” That’s part of passing through loss. There seems to be something still present about the loss you feel about the loss of your son.
Caller: My dad died in May 27th and I’m having a hard time accepting it. I visited him in the hospital and told him I was going to work and I’d be back. 2 hours later he had a cardiac arrest, was hooked up to machines and he died days later. I miss him and I cry all the time. I think I should go see someone.
Caller/Guest: You need to be able to vent. There’s a part of grief where expressing your emotions and thoughts are essential. Your feelings need to be expressed. You can use additional support from your support system. Someone at a hospice or a church that has a grief ministry can also help you with that. The National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization (NHPCO) Toll-free number is: 1-800-658-8898; in Spanish 1-877-658-8896 and their website is www.nhpco.org. It works regardless of your location in the US. It asks for your zip code and connects you to the local office. They offer free 12 week groups and are enormously helpful and very effective.
Caller: My father died on Sept 11th. His 3rd wife who was with him in the hospital took over everything. We asked her about his living will and if he had written a will and she said she knew his wishes. We knew he didn’t want to be in a nursing home, incapacitated or be in a vegetative state. My father couldn’t swallow or speak because he had a feeding tube inserted in him, he had involuntary movement, and he was in a hospice for about 8 hours and then died. The next day after his death, she called and said she forgot his living will, which was very specific. She couldn’t have forgotten because they both have identical living wills. Now I have a lot of anger and hurt.
Guest/Host: Unfinished business with relatives can challenge the grieving process. Anger means “I’m hurt, notice my needs.” So you can and should write about it. Write starting with, “What I’m hurt about is……, but write without judging.”
Caller: My mom died Christmas Eve of 2009 at 2.59 AM that morning. I still hurt because I want her back so bad. We did so many things together. I miss her so much. During the holidays, she’d call me and tell me, “Put this table cloth on this table. Put this here.” From a knee replacement to stomach cancer, I don’t understand what happened. She was out doors in the garden and fell and broke her hip. She had hip replacement surgery and went to rehab. She got home and she’s throwing up. She went back to the hospital and was told she has Stomach Cancer. They took my mother away from me. I am so angry.
Guest/Host: You can be angry, but what you do with is more important. You should get to a place where you can celebrate her life. My father loved Sanford and son, and in the early stage of the passing through the loss; I used to tear up while watching the show, but now I smile. I embrace the significance of that meaning and then I move on. This Christmas, if you will breathe, you will hear something instruct you on what to do. Choose the experience you want. Do you want a gray dismal canvass or a bright one full of opportunities? When our loved ones die, so do some of our crutches. In my case I couldn’t hide behind what my father didn’t do for me anymore. I couldn’t say my life was a certain way because he didn’t pay for college, or because we didn’t have a good relationship. When he died I was exposed. I had no excuses or cover. My life was all on me.
Caller: I lost my mother years ago. 2 years later I began having seizures, and then I went into a comatose state. When I came through I asked for my mother. You should have seen the faces of those around and I cut myself off from the rest of the family.
Guest/Host: Are you being followed by a neurologist for your seizures? If you are ok in that aspect then you must begin with the awareness of your loss. You are now realizing the significance of the loss. You have delayed grief. You need some help or support. What are the top three things you like to do? Do things that make you happy without judging your reason for wanting to do those things.
Caller: I lost a close friend in a car accident. My mother and some people went out of town to attend the funeral. My mother had a heart attack and died while dressing up in the hotel room to go to my friend’s funeral. I’m on my way to bereavement counseling right now.
Guest/Host: Be kind and patient with yourself in the process. For some people grieving takes years. We all grieve in different ways. Don’t let anyone dismiss your grief or feelings. Write a letter to your departed loved one like they are present and say anything and everything you’ve ever wanted to say to them.
This isn’t an easy topic to talk about. However, death is an appointment we will all keep since we all have an expiration date.
Guest: Robert Pruitt www.robertpruitt.com Host: Audrey Chapman
Source: The Audrey Chapman ShowKubler-Ross Model Source: Wikipedia
Book Recommendations: It Is Well With My Soul! Watching Daddy Live! by Robert Pruitt
Good Mourning - A Resource for Healing by Robin McMahon, PhD, and Kathleen Persson, LCSW, co-founders of Capital Hospice's Point of Hope Grief Counseling Center.
Broadcast Date: 12/3/11
No comments:
Post a Comment