Divorce is a major decision and should be the last resort to a trouble marriage. When considering a divorce, counseling is very important and should be the first resort. It’s an emotional process and you don’t want to have any regrets at the end of the process because there are emotional, financial and legal aspects to it and it can get very complicated. Divorce should not to be taken lightly. However, if you still want to get a divorce do the following:
1. Find a good lawyer you can communicate efficiently with who is fighting for you. Remember that you are on the same team.
2. Protect yourself: Change usernames and passwords to all accounts, financial or otherwise including emails etc
3. Put a lock on your cell phone because your spouse can go through it and use things like text messages and emails as evidence against you in court.
4. Keep a written journal especially if you have kids, so you are chronicling their behavior when they interact with the other parent. Also, keeping a journal is therapeutic and emotionally cleansing for you as you go through a divorce.
5. Keep communication with the attorney minimal, but efficient because you are charged for calls. Give them the information they need, take a step back and allow them to do their job.
6. Give your attorney what he/she asks for like documents, information, and even your time in a timely manner. Divorces take time, don't extend it by not giving your attorney what he/she asks for.
8. Focus on your finances. Open a separate bank account and deposit your savings in there. It is not a money hiding mechanism. The court may still divide the money in it later, but this is for your peace of mind, so your bank account isn’t emptied without your knowledge. In VA everything you earn after separation is yours. In MD it’s different.
9. Don’t publicize your new life on line. For example if you are involved with someone else, don’t put pictures of you and you new beau online like on Facebook or post an incorrect status saying you’re single, dating etc when you are still legally married. All these can be used against you in court.
10. When seeking alimony consider the tax consequences and how you’re framing the receipt and child support guidelines. Consider child support vs. alimony’s tax consequences, because with alimony payments, the money recipient’s tax liability increases, while the giver’s decreases.
Decide what you want from your divorce goals. Do you want money, property, assets, children, or his business? Give that some thought before going to a lawyer, so you can design the best strategy to achieve your goals. An attorney will help you think of things you wouldn’t have thought of before, so be open to your lawyer’s advice as the lawyer has seen many cases that are more or less complex than yours and is bringing his or her wealth of experience to the table.
Q & A
Scenario 1: She has already filed for divorce but more information is coming to light now. Can she go back and add to the divorce paperwork?
Answer: You can amend a complaint for divorce to seek child support or alimony, or a new one can be filed separately.
Scenario 2: A 60 year old who is still married to an Air Force veteran, but lost her house and is living with her daughter, since her husband deserted them. However, she is still on his medical insurance. Is she entitled to the disability part of his benefits and his other benefits?
Answer: Hire an attorney or legal aid and self help centers can assist. Don’t go it alone. Speak to someone about it. Since you are not divorced, you can get temporary support, spousal support or alimony prior to the divorce being finalized including the disability benefits he’s receiving. If there’s fear that he can remove her from his insurance, Cobra coverage may be required of him or he may be required to maintain her on his medical insurance till the divorce is finalized. Talk it through with an attorney to reach the best decision.
Scenario 3: Since the divorce rate is high, what value does a pre-nuptial hold in a divorce?
Answer: It’s about protecting yourself in the front end to protect you from heart ache down the road. It’s not romantic and it’s a difficult conversation to have. It’s about feelings that change from love to hate. It is what it is. It’s a necessary tool. If you need it, you’ll be oh so glad you have it, and if you don’t need it there’s no need to look at it. However, pre-nuptials must be carefully crafted because there are ways to challenge them down the road.
Scenario 4: Advice: Stop giving personal advice and being your friends’ lawyer when they are going through a divorce because you are emotionally involved. Help your friend find or pay for a lawyer. Only five people need to be involved in a divorce the couple, their lawyers and the judge.
Scenario 5: What are the pros and cons of dating a married man who says he’s in the process of getting a divorce?
Answer: Ask yourself the question, do you want to be in a relationship with someone who is still married? Be very careful because in some states like VA and MD adultery is still on the books as a crime even though it isn’t prosecuted. Also, you will find yourself involved in the divorce litigation and you can be called to the court to testify etc and your life may be put on display in the court. If they have children, you should also think about how it will affect the kids emotionally and psychologically. Involving another woman in their lives other than their mother can affect his chances of getting custody and ultimately how the divorce works out. The best thing to do is to wait till the divorce is finalized before having an affair with a man who is still married and says he’s going through a divorce.
Scenario 6: What are the repercussions for spouse that walks away from the a family with minor children who are 8 and 9 years old? He drew out a separation agreement she didn’t sign and he left the home.
Answer: He doesn’t have the right not to support his children. A financial obligation such as alimony and child support action should be filed against him, so they can order him to pay retroactively. She can seek relief payments for the mortgage or rent as well. In fault based grounds state like MD. You can file on the grounds of adultery, desertion, and abuse. You can file based on separation time. However, never sign anything till you have an attorney review it.
Scenario 7: How long do you have to be separated before filing for divorce and does having an intimate encounter within the time frame matter?
Answer: In DC the statutory separation time is for 6 months, and then you can get a final or absolute divorce. In some states you must have 1 year of separation then file a complaint for legal separation and enlarge it to a divorce. In VA an absolute divorce means you’ve been separated for 1 year or it’s on fault based ground. You can also file a limited divorce for bed and board, but you can’t remarry till you get the absolute divorce.
If you have an intimate encounter in MD while you are legally separated, that’s not good because they are very strict about it. They don’t want you to live under the same roof, have intimate activities etc. So talk to an attorney. Tell your attorney everything, even though he lives in a different state. Where you file also matters, if you file where he lives, the laws there apply, but in MD they want you to beseparated for 1 year.
Scenario 8: He and his spouse have marital property he pays all the bills for, but she is the cosigner. How will the divorce work out the division of the property?
Answer: The court looks at the VA code to determine who should get what. The names on the title don’t determine ultimately it. It’s about the contributions made in the acquisition such as the source of funds that paid for it and the maintenance of the asset as well as the reason for the dissolution of the marriage, such as who’s at fault, tax consequences and if minor children are involved.
Final Thoughts: Protect yourself by planning and a hiring good legal team. There’s no need to go it alone. Everything you do will affect the outcome and make it a less painful process. Seek legal counsel as early as possible. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Just because you have to end the marriage doesn’t mean you failed at it. Give yourself a break and leave the legal aspect to someone else. Also, remember that if you have kids, you should love your kids more than you hate your spouse.
Source: The Audrey Chapman Show hosted by Theresa Caldwell 08/06/11
Show Guest: Divorce Attorney, Michelle C. Thomas of MC Thomas and Associates, a local attorney in DC/MD/VA .
Website: http://thomaslawdc.com/profile.php
Edited by: Susan Majek.
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