The Do’s and Don’ts of Divorce Part I

Divorce Do’s & Don’ts with Family Law Attorney, and Personal Development & Relationship Coach, Linda B. Thornton, author of Divorce: An Essential Guide to the Inevitable Questions on the Audrey Chapman Show Hosted by Leslie Caldwell.

In the US these days, many people just live together and don’t bother getting married anymore. However, of the ones that do get married 50% of them end in divorce. So the question is, are you thinking about breaking the marriage connection because your long term committed relationship is falling apart? Have you grown apart? Is your partner taking you for granted or having a mid life crisis? Do you want to save your marriage or is it time for a divorce?  

Consider if you really want a divorce. Take a long hard look at it because as a spiritual person, divorce shouldn’t be taken lightly. Take time to reflect on what made you marry that person in the first place. Sometimes, only small changes are needed to get you back to where you were. Really consider re-igniting the relationship with one another.

Some people don’t need a divorce. You see it in their body language, tone of voice and choice of words, when they say there’s no abuse or addictions and the person they want to divorce is such a good father or mother, while saying they can’t stand it anymore. So you can tell there’s still connectedness there. Most times people believe they want a divorce because they have grown apart, they’re not friends anymore, they’re no more lovers and their lives are moving forward in different directions.

Long term relationships heading for divorce will encounter issues especially with children and community property. Animosity sets in and men find it hard to open their purse to a woman they are no longer in love with and even their children. It becomes contentious, with the bread winner thinking, "You didn’t do anything to contribute to my life and success, so take care of your own self." Though there are instances when the woman is the breadwinner, more often than not, men are the breadwinners and control the finances. Men will say, "She can get a job. She’s capable of getting a job," and he anticipates that she can work, even when she has young children to care for. Even when there are no kids in the picture, a woman who has stayed at home can suffer when she’ cut off financially by the man, since she’s not the bread winner.

If you are sure you want a divorce, at some point you need a lawyer to advice you on your options. So how do you choose the perfect attorney for you? Take your time and talk to different attorneys in your area to find your best match and consider the following.

Do you want an attorney to be more or less aggressive than you are?

Do you understand what they are saying and vice versa?

Is the attorney competent?

Is the attorney registered with their state's bar association?

Do past clients have good things to say about them?

Consider all of these things thoroughly before choosing your attorney.

There are specific years where people loose the “loving” feeling and believe a divorce is the best option:

1st year: Getting through living with someone else is hard because you have different temperaments, ways of doing things, cultures, traditions and upbringings. If you get through that first year, you have a solid foundation and you are good to go. Some people go into relationships to try it out, and their mentality is, if it doesn’t fit, I’ll let the person go. So the high divorce or relationship break down rate especially within that first year isn’t surprising or shocking.

7th year: As typified in the movie, The Seven Year Itch showing the declining interest in a monogamous relationship after seven years of marriage.

20th year: It's over! You're so done? Why now? The kids, who are many times the “purpose” of the relationship are grown and gone, so there’s nothing keeping the union together anymore. They haven’t done anything together in years. They are living separate lives in the same house and one person doesn’t like being taken for granted. It’s basically a flat lined marriage with the husband working and the wife off doing her own thing.

The bible states in Ecclesiastes 4:9 states, "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. This is especially true in marriage because it is supposed to make life easier as both parties that come with baggage, but can carry it together to make it lighter for both. However, it is good to note that although 50% of marriages end in divorce, cohabitating couples before marriage have an 85% marriage failure rate, which is the highest rate, because it’s about a lack of whole hearted commitment to the union. People need to know that marriage is work and to have a strong relationship, you have to work hard at it.

Q&A 

Situation 1: Married for 21 years, always lived separately. The man is now at retirement age and she wants to know if she will benefit from his benefits including pension and retirement benefits if they divorce.

Answer: She will benefit from his pension and retirement benefit after the divorce.

Situation 2: Legally separated and trying to file for divorce. He attempted doing it with an online divorce law firm previously, which didn’t satisfy his needs. What recourse does he have to recoup the money the online company charged him and what option does he have to getting a divorce in VA?

Answer: Contact an attorney in VA. Contact the VA state Bar Association to give him a referral to an attorney, so it’s cheaper.  As for the internet issue, one may be able to get the money back from the online company. The local Attorney General’s office may be interested in knowing about it because it may be a fraud or misrepresentation issue others have suffered from as well. She is not licensed in VA, so she can’t address it directly. However, get at least a half hour consultation with a local and competent attorney.

Situation 3: She has a friend whose concentration is so focused on her husband who has been abusive psychologically, emotionally and physically to her, while her family falls apart. She pays all the bills, while he doesn’t pay for anything and he’s cheated on her several times. He has many kids prior to their marriage and is paying several child support payments up the ante from his minimum wage job, so he’s using her for financial reasons.

Answer: It’s a dysfunctional circumstance. The issue is for her admitting it and making changes. Which she may not do because we often believe what will come will be worse than what we already have and know now, so we stay with what we know, where we are. However, until she herself is ready to accept that she’s in a psychologically negative circumstance that will require assistance to get out of, there’s nothing anyone can do. People in such relationships have a hard time breaking through. The abuse has to be addressed. The situation won’t change till she realizes where she’s at. He needs her; she’s a means to an end for him and until she’s willing to recognize that for herself, be there for her as a friend, but you can’t help her change her mind

Situation 4: Not married but been in a relationship for 11 years where her partner didn’t have a degree when they met. He got his degree while she was working and he was attending school, but till now, he doesn’t contribute financially to the family like he should. 

Answer: In a long term cohabiting relationship or common law marriage, the level of legal recognition accorded depends on the state. However, co-habitation doesn’t have the legal support marriage has. Unusual laws like contract arrangements, driven by the facts of the circumstances and the state you live in may help. Get a half hour consultation with an attorney in your state to know for sure.

Situation 5: A couple has been married for 37 years and have had a legal separation for 1 year. They both earn similar incomes. He wants her to pay him alimony and says he won’t contest the divorce. She’s giving everything to him including the house and the car. He says he can’t afford the house note and says she should keep paying the bills with him till he can refinance the mortgage.

Answer: Equal income/financially balanced spousal situations are scenarios courts are reluctant to keep together. With no minor children involved, it’s strictly a property settlement. Selling the house and splitting the proceeds is an option the court may have to enforce.

Situation 6: A friend with cancer is being abused mentally by her husband, which is aggravating her cancer. She previously worked, but is unable to work now and is on chemotherapy. There are no minor children. What is she entitled to?

Answer: Because of the facts, the court may have him pay alimony to her because she was totally dependent him financially, and she’s unable to work now to financially take care of herself. She should contact a local attorney to assist her. 

Situation 7: A man who has been married for 13 years has been put out by his wife and her HIV positive brother who recently came to stay with them resulting in a 2 month separation. The man is living in a homeless shelter. They have 2 kids who are still living in the home with their mother and HIV positive uncle. He asked, “How can you take someone, use them for 13 years and throw them out like trash just like that?”

Answer: Get an attorney because since you are living in a shelter, you are removed from the negative situation, so the court won't really do much for the issue because of you, but since the children may be at risk, which the courts don’t like, they will do something about it.

Final Thoughts:
If you don’t remember anything else about this, remember that relationships are often looked at as a day to day thing which they are not when people think about it. However, take the time to really appreciate each other. Tell your spouse you care and take care of them on a daily basis. Also, divorce is taking the finances of one circumstance and using the same finances to care for two homes, which will spread it thinner, so think it through thoroughly before embarking upon it.

Source: The Audrey Chapman Show hosted by Theresa Caldwell 08/06/11

Show Guest: Author and Family Law Attorney, Linda B. Thornton

Website: http://lindathornton.com/divorce-essential-guide/

Edited by:  Susan Majek.