Are You A Narcissist Or In Love With One?

Michelangelo's Caravaggio

To answer the question correctly, you must know the traits of a narcissist, so you know if you or someone you know is one.

Narcissism is a character flaw. Narcissists know right from wrong, but they often just don't care. Narcissists love to entertain , make a grand entrance and be center of attention all the time. They control conversations by being loud, animated and overly dramatic. They love jumping and joking around to draw attention to themselves, so they are everyone else's focus. They have a baseless, but great sense of importance and arrogance. They have an elevated sense of grandiosity. They often dress very well, expensively and loudly to draw attention to themselves. They repeatedly criticize others and put other people down, but they don't like being put down themselves or have their flaws to be criticized. In other words, they can dish it, but they can't take it.

Deep down inside they suffer from inferiority complex, are very self-conscious and hyper sensitive and insecure. They have overblown egos and are always trying to impress others by name dropping to associate up or to show who they know. They also often boast. They can be difficult to be in a relationship with unless you are a pushover and realize that you are there to elevate and celebrate what they are about, because to them, it’s all about them. This will leave you feeling less than and not important. Relationships are give and take, but they don't give well. However, they take well and have difficulties being in relationship.

People are often drawn to them initially, but since they are difficult to be in a relationship with, the relationships don't last. They are able to pan around and need to be affirmed. They can't take criticism, so if someone calls them a jerk they can brush it off. When they feel their partner is committed to the relationship they will cheat because they know their partner will put up with it and stay.

They have a high need to be the center of attention. They are very entertaining, exciting, aggressive, suave and smooth, and can easily sweep you off your feet. Joshua D. Foster and W. Keith Campbell, author of the book, When You Love a Man Who Loves Himself, talk about this in their many works and findings about narcissists. Control is very important to narcissists. If they lose control, they can lose their charm quickly. This also occurs if they are threatened or destabilized. They also over react to little things and punish those who don't respond positively to them. 

However, if you are one and you need help, you should know it peaks in adolescence and declines as you get older. Male and female share attention differently but both have a keen interest in charming and seducing others by for example, females  dressing provocatively, while males brag, ego trip, use sexual strategies for short term hook ups.

Narcissism is usually derived from indiscriminate parental praise or rejection or a combination of both in childhood. These confusing experiences shows why they need to control their environment. Indiscriminate praise plus signals of coldness and rejection may exist and leave them with a feeling of perpetual insecurity. Narcissism is used to mask and manage how they feel about themselves. However, in reality and at the center of who they really are, they are fragile, but they cover it well in how they dress and present themselves. Most have cold, distant or unavailable parents and feel rejected from home or didn't receive affirmation in childhood.

I met a lady and her child and I leaned down and complimented the child on how well poised and nicely dressed she was and how comfortable she was talking to me, a stranger. Her mother responded by saying, "Yes I've done a wonderful job of raising her and went on to talk about herself. It was obvious that she can't stand for her child to be celebrated or complimented. It has to be about her.  You see this with many pageant mommies. Most research has shown that it is developed in childhood based on how the parents related to the child. 

Caller: I was an only child whose father was never there and I was raised by a single mother. She didn't have time for me because she had to work all the time to support the family. I am a Narcissist but I'm trying to stop. I have also never been in a long term relationship because I'm afraid of commitment. I never allow myself to be vulnerable and I'm marriage resistant.

Host: Everyone has some degree of narcissism in them and narcissism can be put to good use when narcissists become entertainers such as singers, comedians and actors where all the attention is on them. If you are a narcissist, your need for attention won't go away. However, you can manage it by having outlets to use the traits, so you can do volunteer work, or if you are funny, you can become a comedian, so you have an outlet, so that you don't have to put your narcissistic tendencies in high gear. So it's a good idea for you to become a professional who stays in the limelight. Narcissists are self-involved and don't thrive in relationships because relationships require sensitivity and giving to others. So you should also do some self-development work to become more aware of yourself.

Caller: I'm a lady narcissist. The problem is that at 54, I still can't commit, and I have all the characteristics. A lot of it is my ego. I'm afraid of relationships because they will cramp my style. It's about the loss of control. I want to do it my way. I'm in a 5 year relationship; if he wants me to conform and be committed, I don't want that. I nag about what he's doing, but I excuse and pacify my behavior. I don't boast, but I love to be praised. My mom was depressed and my dad was an alcoholic, so it was a dysfunctional family where my parents were unavailable. I use my physical appearance and learned how to interact with people to make them gravitate towards me.

Host: What are you afraid of? You're still trying to make up and compensate for your life as a child. You want to do it your way. You can't remove all your tendencies, but you can learn how to manage and tone them down, by learning the art of selflessness, commitment, compromise, being vulnerable and negotiating. Allow yourself to “go there” in little steps, if not, you will feed the belief that you can't do it. Do these things to allow yourself to check it out daily and to allow your mind to see that you can do it, if only for a little bit of time, and then you can build on that and so you handle being vulnerable. It will be unfamiliar, but it won't kill you. You don't want to take these behaviors into a marriage, so work on yourself first, so your system can see that you can handle it.

Narcissists don't do well in therapy because they want to tell the therapist what to do and how to do the job and take control all over again so be mindful of that. Give yourself time to grieve the loss of the child you were. Get a professional to get you started on the process.

Caller: I’m a woman involved with a 51 year old narcissist. He is arrogant and it’s all about him. He tells me he doesn’t need me, he flips out; he’s a sharp dresser, tells everyone else about themselves, but he’s sensitive and very easy to fall apart. He can give it, but can't take it and he gets loud and over talks me.  He’s very flirtatious and likes to be in the limelight. When he steps into a room, he lets you know he's there.  He wants to be included in everything and it’s all about him. You can’t tell him anything because he knows everything.

Host: It would help you not fall in love with or be involved with a Narcissist. They are physically attractive at first sight and pull in and seduce people, but then they control conversations, and the relationship.

Source: The Audrey Chapman Show
Recommended Reading:When You Love a Man Who Loves Himself
Broadcast Date: 9/3/2011