Marriage Options for African American Women Part I
Are you an African American woman? What’s your struggle, desire, or confusion about settling down? What options do you have? Are you already or will you step out of the box? Are you constricted to what you’ve been told about marriage?
Book excerpt, "Although the African American marriage decline is especially pronounced among the poor, it is apparent as well among the affluent: doctors, lawyers, corporate professionals. Black women of all socioeconomic classes remain single because the ranks of black men have been decimated in part by incarceration, educational failure, and economic disadvantage. In recent years, two black women have graduated college for every one black man. Two to one. Every year. As a result, college-educated black women are more likely than college-educated women of other races to remain unmarried or to wed a less-educated man who earns less than they do. More than half of married black women who have graduated from college have a less-educated husband who did not. Yet despite the shortage of black male peers, black women do not marry men of other races. Black women marry across class lines, but not race lines. They marry down but not out. Thus, they lead the most racially segregated intimate lives of any Americans."
Why? Why are black women the least likely to marry out? What are the consequences of the unprecedented rates at which they marry down or remain unmarried? These are the questions at the heart of my inquiry. I find the answers in two very different types of evidence. For more than a year, I traveled the country interviewing scores of professional black women at length about their relationships with men. Their stories, told with courage and candor, are certain to resonate deeply with some readers and to surprise or even shock others. Before I conducted my first interview, I devoted several years to the study of the black marriage decline. I began, as law professors typically do, with judicial decisions and legislative enactments but soon found myself immersed in history, social science, and government data about the United States population.
Some research found that when men are in short supply such as on college campuses, this leads to them being less likely to form stable committed relationships because men see this as being in their interest to have options which they fully utilize. The Pew research saw that 64% of people favor living together, so living together without marriage has gone from being unusual to normal in the society.
This is now a non racial phenomenon that is affecting the whole of the US and the world. Even now that Japanese women are doing better economically, they don’t want culturally constricting roles that marriage places on them, so the culture shifts. This is similar to the US in the 1970s when women become more economically independent, so there was no need to get married. For people in the 20th century including African American and Caucasians, the marriage numbers were similar at about 9 out of 10 people getting married. In the latter 20th century till now, the poor and African Americans are less likely to marry, more likely to divorce and when they marry, they have the highest amount of conflict. Most African Americans don’t marry at all and if they do, half of those that marry divorce within 10 years in comparison to a third of Caucasian couples.
So, if/when African Americans do get married, they still have many hurdles to jump over because African American women do better career wise and financially and graduate from college in higher numbers, while African American men don’t and many are also incarcerated, so many African American women marry less educated men who earn less than they do because that’s the men that are available to them.
What happens when the African American woman supports the family financially and is better educated? What happened previously was similar, where dad worked on rail roads and mom was a teacher, so career wise she had the better white collar job and he was a blue collar worker. However, it didn’t matter much because blue collar jobs paying well were available for African American men then, although they weren’t hired for white collar jobs. In the recent decade black women have surpassed black men so much because blue collar jobs have contracted. For example, there are much less Ford or Republic Steel jobs with high salaries now than they were before. So, men who would’ve been able to make a decent living 50 years ago working a blue collar job now can’t because education is valued much more than brawn now. In the education sphere, almost as many African American men enroll in college as women, but the men don’t graduate with undergraduate degrees. Women finish what they start and therefore can get better jobs.
The history and messages African American Women get about stepping out of the box by dating out of their race isn’t usually positive. However, they should be open to date people from other countries and races such as Asian, Latin, Arab and any other race or nationality. They should date across the board just like African American men do. However, some men of other races say they aren’t interested in African American women. But in some cases, African American women are dedicated to upholding their race by not marrying other races and this attitude doesn’t serve them well. African American women are very segregated, and have the lowest marital integration rate. Oddly enough, there’s a lot of opposition from African American men to African American women expanding their own options while they date outside of their race. What basis do they have to complain when they do it so much more? Is it loyalty to their race that African American women are hung up on? It’s unfortunate that African American women feel committed to African American men who don’t feel the same way about them.
The situation has different strands to it. African American women remember slavery, the civil rights movement, and have a loyalty to strengthen the race and produce the next generation of black children, which is why some don’t go outside of their race. However, these trends are prevalent in other races in America as well. Women of all groups are more concentrated on family maintenance than men are. African American women are trying to fulfill family creation and maintenance in the same unrealistic context without African American men being committed to the same thing, so it’s not working.
Why? Why are black women the least likely to marry out? What are the consequences of the unprecedented rates at which they marry down or remain unmarried? These are the questions at the heart of my inquiry. I find the answers in two very different types of evidence. For more than a year, I traveled the country interviewing scores of professional black women at length about their relationships with men. Their stories, told with courage and candor, are certain to resonate deeply with some readers and to surprise or even shock others. Before I conducted my first interview, I devoted several years to the study of the black marriage decline. I began, as law professors typically do, with judicial decisions and legislative enactments but soon found myself immersed in history, social science, and government data about the United States population.
Some research found that when men are in short supply such as on college campuses, this leads to them being less likely to form stable committed relationships because men see this as being in their interest to have options which they fully utilize. The Pew research saw that 64% of people favor living together, so living together without marriage has gone from being unusual to normal in the society.
This is now a non racial phenomenon that is affecting the whole of the US and the world. Even now that Japanese women are doing better economically, they don’t want culturally constricting roles that marriage places on them, so the culture shifts. This is similar to the US in the 1970s when women become more economically independent, so there was no need to get married. For people in the 20th century including African American and Caucasians, the marriage numbers were similar at about 9 out of 10 people getting married. In the latter 20th century till now, the poor and African Americans are less likely to marry, more likely to divorce and when they marry, they have the highest amount of conflict. Most African Americans don’t marry at all and if they do, half of those that marry divorce within 10 years in comparison to a third of Caucasian couples.
So, if/when African Americans do get married, they still have many hurdles to jump over because African American women do better career wise and financially and graduate from college in higher numbers, while African American men don’t and many are also incarcerated, so many African American women marry less educated men who earn less than they do because that’s the men that are available to them.
What happens when the African American woman supports the family financially and is better educated? What happened previously was similar, where dad worked on rail roads and mom was a teacher, so career wise she had the better white collar job and he was a blue collar worker. However, it didn’t matter much because blue collar jobs paying well were available for African American men then, although they weren’t hired for white collar jobs. In the recent decade black women have surpassed black men so much because blue collar jobs have contracted. For example, there are much less Ford or Republic Steel jobs with high salaries now than they were before. So, men who would’ve been able to make a decent living 50 years ago working a blue collar job now can’t because education is valued much more than brawn now. In the education sphere, almost as many African American men enroll in college as women, but the men don’t graduate with undergraduate degrees. Women finish what they start and therefore can get better jobs.
The history and messages African American Women get about stepping out of the box by dating out of their race isn’t usually positive. However, they should be open to date people from other countries and races such as Asian, Latin, Arab and any other race or nationality. They should date across the board just like African American men do. However, some men of other races say they aren’t interested in African American women. But in some cases, African American women are dedicated to upholding their race by not marrying other races and this attitude doesn’t serve them well. African American women are very segregated, and have the lowest marital integration rate. Oddly enough, there’s a lot of opposition from African American men to African American women expanding their own options while they date outside of their race. What basis do they have to complain when they do it so much more? Is it loyalty to their race that African American women are hung up on? It’s unfortunate that African American women feel committed to African American men who don’t feel the same way about them.
The situation has different strands to it. African American women remember slavery, the civil rights movement, and have a loyalty to strengthen the race and produce the next generation of black children, which is why some don’t go outside of their race. However, these trends are prevalent in other races in America as well. Women of all groups are more concentrated on family maintenance than men are. African American women are trying to fulfill family creation and maintenance in the same unrealistic context without African American men being committed to the same thing, so it’s not working.
African American women should marry men of other races to avoid many negatives they have to endure by staying within their race or being eternally single. Why keep yourself in a box influenced by society, family and friends? African American women are more likely given their background and professions; even when they are in situations where they can date a plethora of people to remain single. African American women are thriving career wise, but they are less likely to marry across the race line. A good question to answer is, “Do men of other races want to marry African American women? The answer is, yes. Some races do and some other races don’t, but there are more non-African American men such as Latino, African, and Asian men who will date African American women.
I ask African American women if they want to date African men and you’d be surprised by the responses I get. There’s a lack of demand on the part of African American men for African American women typically because African American women are especially committed to African American men, but the African American men aren’t committed to them. African American women who have been have taught to strive and have gotten ahead don’t want to leave their brothers behind because they’ve seen their challenges, but that endeavor hasn’t worked well and is counter productive.
Younger women are now more open and dating across racial lines, but my generation and those that are above me don’t. They may wait a lifetime for marriage and it may still never happen. They will wake up to this painful reality. To the women who weren’t raised in the shadow of civil rights, this is a norm of sustainability. They weren’t raised with that "only be with your own kind" ethos and they hang out with friends, co-workers, and acquaintances of all races. It is changing and it’s a good thing that should be welcomed.
Caller: I was born and raised to find the perfect women without the boundaries of if she’s African American or Caucasian. If I was an African American woman who has worked hard to achieve all I have, I don’t want someone who’s less educated or earns less than me and I won’t limit myself just because he’s African American. A man would date any race, so African American women should do the same.
Host/Guest Response: You are right. Also, in choosing a mate, values, character and health are very important. The African American marriage decline affects everybody. The same trend is being seen in all groups, so there’s some universality to the issue. The book is a universal story told through the African American experience. For some Caucasian men and African American women are the least preferred group.
Another issue is that African American women don’t expect to receive attention from non - African American man. If an African American man talks to an African American woman for example, by asking her for the time, she thinks he’s interested, but if it’s a Caucasian male asks the same question, she thinks he’s just asking for the time. It’s hard to read if someone is interested in you especially when they are of another race or nationality and miscommunication occurs. For example, a woman who see's an attractive guy is thinking, “I hope he comes over to start a conversation,” while he’s thinking, “I want her to smile at me.” Both of them do nothing and end up thinking the other person isn’t interested. He says, “She’s not interested in me because she didn’t smile at me.” She says, “He won’t take it further, so he’s not interested. Crossing the racial lines is hard because you don’t have friends who can be the go between or you can also easily miss the come on cues you aren’t familiar with. There are so many single never married African American men and women, so the notion of if people can step out of their race to give themselves more options to get married is necessary.
Caller: It’s sad that many African American women are viewed for their sexuality. You know the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice. I lived with the love of my life for 15 years before she died. However, I am a writer and I was plagued with not keeping a job and being able to provide for a family, so I didn’t marry her.
Host/Guest Response: What made it comfortable for you to live with her without marrying her? What kept you from getting married?
Caller: I was afraid of the financial part of it. Loosing jobs and financial instability plagued me. After she died, I saw how strong African American women are to support their African American men. It brings tears to my eyes to see what’s going on now with so many single mothers raising sons. A mother can’t be a man to raise them right. We African American men must change ourselves because there’s always a job of selling drugs waiting for African American men in their communities.
Host/Guest Response: We live in a society where men are expected to make money. If a man is out of work it causes stress in the relationship. Every one is expecting the man to provide economically. If the woman loses a job, it’s not that big a deal as compared to when a man loses his job. We are looking at the imbalance for African American women to understand the phenomenon of some generations marrying down but not out of their race.
Quote from the book: The same scarcity that is a mark of black men’s disadvantage is also a source power. The central fact shaping the relationships of black men and women is the numbers imbalance. Because black men, successful ones in particular, are scarce and black women are not. Black men wield greater power as they negotiate relationships with black women. As a result, we have fewer enduring and committed relationships than any other group.
Quote from the book: The same scarcity that is a mark of black men’s disadvantage is also a source power. The central fact shaping the relationships of black men and women is the numbers imbalance. Because black men, successful ones in particular, are scarce and black women are not. Black men wield greater power as they negotiate relationships with black women. As a result, we have fewer enduring and committed relationships than any other group.
Caller: African American men who are available and up to par feel they can pick and choose and don’t want to settle down and be committed. I put so much into my relationship. I took the time because he has so many options and he doesn’t have a moral clock.
Host/Guest Response: She has put a finger on an important issue. African American men aren’t more morally deficient than any other group, but 1 in 10 African American men is in jail and 1 in 4 will go to jail, which undermines stable relationships. A possibility for African American women to counteract this is to expand their options. If African American men have fewer options, relationships will be more stable. In England
There’s much more infidelity in African American marriages. African American men are more likely to have multiple partners because they can. It’s a commentary because to some women they don’t care if the man is married or not, so the women are just making the best of a bad situation. However, please be clear that we aren’t excusing infidelity, we are just explaining it.
Caller: There’s nothing in the bible that talks about a marriage license. The marriage license is nothing but just another tax. We should find life partners. We should be more partner minded than being selfish with a “me” mentality.
Host/Guest Response: If you have a situation where men aren’t looking for long term, committed relationships, women also think, they might as well get all they can get out of this short term relationship. If marriage isn’t in it, they want to get something out of it. If more women would date out of their race, it would give them leverage and even the playing field.
Source: The Audrey Chapman Show
Show Guest: Ralph Richard Banks, Jackson Eli Reynolds Professor of Law at Stanford Law School and Professor, by courtesy, at the School of Education & Family, Employment, Discrimination and Race Law Professor & Author of Is Marriage for White People? How the African American Marriage Decline Affects Everyone
Air Date: 9/17/11
Air Date: 9/17/11
For more, click here to download the Essence Magazine article.
No comments:
Post a Comment