PTSD is challenging to have because it leaves people typically confused, in emotional pain, distant, not wanting to engage in fun or family activities, and not wanting sexual activity. You can get PTSD from natural disasters or incidents that happen between people like sexual assault, rape, abuse, domestic violence, wars and victimization. However, people recover better from the natural disaster induced PTSDs faster.
With PTSD some people stay in a hyper aroused state because the brain keeps feeding these danger messages to the body, so the person remains in this hyper aroused state and displays the many symptoms. Many PTSD sufferers are hyper vigilant and think something is lurking around the corner. This is stressful to both the person and their partner. Avoidance behavior is used by many people to avoid flashbacks. It is best not to take these things personally. You can do imaging exercises and deep breathing techniques for both the person and their partners to help with the symptoms. Also, there are support groups that are helpful to both sufferers and their partners.
Caller: I am with a woman who has the symptoms. It’s from something in her past like from her past marriage or relationships that she carries around with her. She’s never been in treatment. I’m a silent partner in the relationship and she takes my kindness and uses it. She loves me one minute and hates me in the next minute. It doesn’t matter what I do, it doesn’t satisfy her. She’s set in her own ways of what she wants to do. She’s given up on life. This isn’t where I want to be but it’s where I’m forced to be. I have a stressful job with people’s lives in my hands so I can’t go through this anymore.
Host/Guest Response: Talk with her about getting help for both of you. If she won’t get help you can accept the fact that it’s more about her and less about you and you may have to have different expectations of what she can and can’t do for you the relationship. Or you can decide with a loving heart that you need more than she can give and move on. Ultimately you have to face the facts of staying or moving on since you have limitations in this relationship. Get some support for yourself even is she doesn’t want it.
Caller: My seven year old son tried to commit suicide, my mother passed away, my friend’s son was murdered and I was a victim of domestic violence all three months apart. I have injuries and upcoming surgeries from the attack’s extensive nerve damage, and I have a plate in me and my hands have been affected. These things pushed me over the edge, and interfere with my job and relationships. I’m with House of Ruth and Cognitive Therapy, but I want to know how long this will last. I take Valium and Cymbalta. I always felt that I was a strong person but this has left me feeling weak.
Host/Guest Response: Don’t sell yourself short by feeling weak and vulnerable. You are still standing trying to sort it through, which is good for someone who has been through everything you have described. There’s no time limit on emotional recovery. You’ve suffered so much, all layered on top of each other. You should be kind and gentle with yourself. It’s a process. Medication is important. Be open to medication adjustment and changes. Do you like to write? Do you journal? Do you do deep breathing? Tell yourself, “I’m strong. I can get through this” You’ve been faced with much more in a short period of time much more than most people have to deal with in a lifetime and it hit you all at once. So you are indeed strong but you are human and you’ll see you are on the way to being on the other side of it but it will take time. I was in an emotional and verbally abusive relationship at one point. I’d cry for no reason and lash out at people like the grocery store clerk, but I would go back and apologize to the people I did it to.
The book, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship: How to Support Your Partner and Keep Your Relationship Healthy’s Chapter 12 is about deciding if you should stay in a relationship with a partner with PSTD? People should read it and evaluate if they should stay or go. Problems present themselves but if people get treatment, things improve, but if they don’t it doesn’t. So the question is is the person getting treatment or not? What are the consequences of staying? And is it is harmful to stay or not?
Caller: I think my husband has PSTD. He used to love to drive. Now when we want to go somewhere, I’ll say let me drive. He’ll say, “I’m fine. I can drive.” Then when he drives about 5 miles, when we are high up, he pulls over and we have to switch, so I can drive. If there’s a bridge over water with no suspension, for example, when were going to W. Virginia on the highway he got anxious or when we are going to Philadelphia, but it seems to happen when we are high up. His mom died 8 years ago. 5 years ago the situation started. He hasn’t gone to the doctor. He’s not very emotive and holds his emotions inside and drinks. He’s high functioning, so I can’t tell if his alcohol consumption is adding to it. He was unemployed for a long time, but now he has a dream job but he hasn’t cut down in the drinking since if he found his new job.
Host/Guest Response: It sounds like he’s got trauma from something and if he holds his emotions in then things happen. The high heights might trigger things from his trauma. Sometimes these can spring from anywhere we don’t know. Not all are from a known trauma. Be okay with changing places with him and driving for him. He’s masking and self medicating with alcohol and since he’s still drinking so much after finding the job then it may be out of control. What about the two of you going together to help to get started? Don’t be pushy but be supportive. He may need the support. Make an appointment so you can both go. PSTD sufferers should maintain a healthy diet. Caffeine and sugars aren’t good. They should stick to a diet from American heart or diabetes associations. Exercise and sleep are essential. They also have to be careful what they think because thoughts can be a trigger. Cognitive thinking and approaches to help and not work against sufferers are essential because PSTD feeds thoughts that are detrimental, so the brain must be retrained on how to think.
Caller: My girlfriend of 15 years is in the process of leaving today because I have PSTD. I am a Vietnam vet suffering with it for 41 years. I have been married twice and divorced twice and this is my third relationship ending today. I have maintained sobriety since 2004. I have come to realize that my expectations are not a priority on someone else’s list. When I returned from Vietnam, it was like 36 hours prior I was in the jungle of Vietnam and later I was on a plane heading home. I wasn’t a drinker before, but I found myself at home and didn’t know what to do. I went to the airport lounge and had my first drink and that’s when I realized that after a few drinks I had never felt so good in my all of my life because I wasn’t under the pressure of being in combat anymore. From that day I believed I had found a remedy. I was anxious and found myself impotent. I got married 6 months later to my childhood sweet heart I met when I was 7 and she was 6 and everyone knew we would be together but the marriage didn’t last. I tried the 12 step program but it didn’t work for me. Being alone and going to appointments have helped me. Another problem is that my expectations are so high and I realize I can’t be where I want to be. I have to realize what I can and can’t do and accept it. I have a psychiatrist and psychologist who work with me and I also take medication.
Host/Guest Response: Alcohol lifts you up temporarily but then you crash. You started with alcohol and it failed you. Then you found positive things to replace alcohol which is great. You are becoming resilient and connecting with nature and getting professional help which is also great. You are a good role model. Sometimes you have to let your relationship go. When you married your first wife when you returned from Vietnam you were not the same person who left for Vietnam so you should have received help. War changes people and people go through during wars should be treated. Now you are on the right path. It’s never to late to overcome previous problems and change your life because many Vietnam vets are still suffering and need help.
Source: The Audrey Chapman Show
Guest: Diane England, Clinical Social Worker and author of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship: How to Support Your Partner and Keep Your Relationship Healthy.
Aired: 9/24/11
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