Is Marriage for White People?

Marriage Options for African American Women Part II

Host: You divorced for 4 years and in a place where you were trying to go out and date African American men. Talk about your journey and why you wrote the book.

Guest: I have the college degree; the law degree etc and I had trouble meeting men. My first husband was 19 years older than me. We had a child together but there was a generation gap. I was his third wife and I believed I could change him and it didn’t work, so we got a divorce. At 30, most African American men my age weren’t into getting married. They were very uncomfortable with my back ground and were not interested in settling down. My parents were my model, but I found men my age who wanted to sleep with me or live with me not marry me. I had married at 30 and was divorced before I was 35. When my daughter was at 8 and I was close to 40, I realized that my youth was going out of the window and I felt it was time I re-examined what and who I want.

On the advice of a friend, I made a list of the qualities I want my mate to have but she said include nothing you don’t have yourself because it’s difficult to attract something you are not. So I wrote my list that I want him to be a family man, to cherish me, to love my daughter, and be educated. There was no race, no skin color, or physical attributes in the list and I put it in a drawer and I let God do his work. I put it in a drawer, but I worked for it. So I set up an online profile, but I got some disturbing and troubling responses. I got a number of Caucasian males who responded to my profile and I was suspicious. Then I went back to the list and saw there were no physical attributes in it. I then went out with different people and nothing happened.

Then I received an email from one. We exchanged emails for a while, and we talked on the phone. The he requested that we meet. I thought, he’s a nice person, I enjoyed talking to him. What’s the big deal? There was something about him that was comfortable. When I saw him, he was very pale, with white hair, and pale blue eyes and I thought this isn’t what I wanted, but if I let that feeling dictate my actions, I would have missed out on the best relationship I have ever had. We have prejudices we carry and pass on. History, messages sent, I grew up with the idea of don’t bring home a white boy almost affected me. I had a conversation with a sister friend that’s in the book. One of friends said, I’d feel I was dishonoring my ancestors because when the women were taken advantage of then, they couldn’t say stop.

There’s a market imbalance between African American women and African American men. We must reframe our thinking. The men who are walking around now aren’t all children of slave owners and because our child is part black, he’s now sensitive to racism changing now that he may not have been if he hadn’t married me. African American women should be open to West Indian, Arab, Latin, West Indian or any other race.

Caller: I’m 33 years old. I was married young and got divorced due to infidelity. Then it took me 6 years, when I started dating, I get interested in and date other cultures. I have an older friend who’s 15 years older who doesn’t want to date Caucasian men. The younger you are the more fluid inter-dating is, but the older you are it isn’t. If you are born within the civil rights era, you will feel a more sense of loyalty to your brothers. However, those born later, as parents moved into white communities and they interact with other cultures, it’s more normal. My fiancé is African and we’re good together. I had to be what I wanted in a man. African American men are afraid of marriage, but not pf having children because their options are open. I wont’ sit around and wait and being a live in girlfriend isn’t for me.

Could you bring him home for dinner – Guess who’s coming to dinner?

The plight of marriage decline in the black community is notable. My mother always told me that a white boy wasn’t African American women need. We need to have a rainbow coalition. We must open ourselves up to everyone instead of constricting ourselves and being at a position of disadvantage with fewer options that dis-empowers us and leads to desperation. I was divorced, single, and I married a Caucasian man. His character fit with my profile.

With marrying outside of your culture and race, I haven’t run into many problems because I live in diverse Montgomery County where African American women, Asian, Caucasian, and Latino mix. In London I was struck at the number of interracial relationships. African and Caribbean women are married to whomever. I saw so many biracial couples and their children and they didn’t have the same cultural reaction that they have here. The size of the nation being small and no slavery in their history helps. Over there, the tension is more with the men than with the women. Here in the US, it’s the opposite. The recent Pew Report states that 17% of children are mixed race and we all know interracial couples exist and increasing, so we need to get on board because that’s where we are heading.

Caller: I was married to a Jamaican woman, whom I will soon be divorcing, but there was an issue of immigration and I felt deceived. I felt she married me because of the green card. I put my heart and soul into the relationship. Recently, I put my profile out there and I got hits from Caucasian females. They are now more appealing to me than in the past and I’m considering looking out of my race, but I haven’t responded to any of them yet because I don’t know how I will be responded to.

Host/Guest Response: Take your time to let people feel you out and you also feel them out. Also, give yourself time to heal, so you don’t drag that baggage into the next relationship.

Caller: I’m a proponent of black love. History dictates that in the US the tool used to destabilize us is to divide and conquer. I’m a married black man committed to my sisters. However, I see that the black family is becoming extinct because there’s a lack of pride in ourselves and others. African American men and women won’t change themselves to adapt to each other, so you have two rams in the home, they butt heads, so they can’t stay together. Women aren’t willing to change

Host/Guest Response: We have to face the reality that African American women are the most unmarried group in America and I’m tired of everything being women’s fault. When the reality is that the numbers are against us because there are more African American women than men. Every 3 out of 4 couples in America today is a Caucasian woman with an African American man. We all have to come to terms with this reality, which isn’t great, but it is what is. Even if every African American man said, “I will marry one African American woman and marches down to city hall right now, there will still be thousands of African American women that still will have to do without.

How does marrying outside of your race affect the children? What’s it like for the children?

I have a daughter with my first husband who is African American and my second daughter with my Caucasian husband is biracial. She’s 6, so she’s still young and doesn’t understand all this yet. However, it’s good to live in a diverse community like I do, where she’s not different or unique. If we lived somewhere else, it may different. But even in those places, parents can help their children understand both sides of their family, and show them they have the best of both worlds by being biracial. Even the current president is biracial. Before, the thought was that if you are biracial, neither one of your races or cultures fully embrace you. However, now being biracial means you can mix with both sides, so it’s a blessing and a benefit.

Caller: I am African American. I dated “powerful” African American men and was married to an African American man, had a son and got divorced because he wasn’t faithful. My parents were of the civil rights movement and their expectation was for me to be with a black man, but I had to go my parents and explain to them that the “marry a black man” thing isn’t working. I’m not willing to share a guy. These black men have so many options, aren’t committed and practice infidelity. I’m dating an Italian man now and it’s great. He gets along well with my son. Even my ex husband and fiancé get along. His Italian family is fine with me. Initially, the older ones were resistant, but now they are fine with me too.

As a couple, we are now educating other black women on how to meet people of other races. Women ask my fiancé, “How did you get her.” So they know where to go to be found by men of other races too. The African American guys at our job are trying to break us up. They tell him, African American woman can be angry, moody, and they put you on a schedule. But we have no problems with each other. We respect and honor each other. We set the ground rules early on that there’s no cheating, name calling or negatives in our relationship and we get along fine.

The reality is that by the middle of 20th Century, 9 out of 10 African American women were married. Now less than 5 out of 10 African American women are married. Ladies give yourself options just like the men are doing. Empower yourself. Think outside the box. If something’s not working, change it. This is how you get a handle on situations. If you want to have a committed relationship, seriously consider dating outside of your race.

Source: The Audrey Chapman Show
Show Guest: Karyn Langhorn Folan,  author of Don't Bring Home a White Boy: And Other Notions that Keep Black Women From Dating Out.