Photo Credit: madamenoire.com
Non - African American women are also more encouraging to their partners. When I was single and dating several women I wasn’t committed to, at a point I was involved with two African American women and one biracial (Native American and Irish) woman. When I told them about the book I was writing, one of the African American ladies said, “This must be a joke.” The other African American lady who is very educated seriously said, “This book is stupid.” The biracial woman read my book with great interest and gave me great feed back on it. It’s a cultural issue. African American women are culturally conditioned to question, doubt and tear down African American men. One of the African American women later told me, “I only told you that, so you wouldn’t get a big head.” A woman from a different culture had a more positive and encouraging reaction and response.
Caller: Black men are harder to love. I don’t know why. As an African American woman I am expected to give more compliments, financially, and emotionally to him in the relationship, which makes it harder. In relationships they don’t give me respect even when I am demanding it. I only ask them to respect me as a person and as a woman. If the person is disrespecting me, I ask them not to and I warn them, and after a month or two, it’s over. A major disrespect issue is that I am not going to have sex with them if I just met them. The guys get upset and departs. As an African American woman, I get respect from men from other cultures.
Host/Panelists: The issue of disrespect is from both genders. However, you can’t wait for months to demand respect. You train people how to treat you. If you’re two or three months in, it’s too late. You must set the tone for respect from the beginning. You attract men who want sex and not a relationship with you. How are you dressing when you go out in public? If you wear a wig, tight jeans, and a blouse with your cleavage wide out, then you attract men with the wrong intentions. Since you receive respect from men from other cultures, go for it.
We need a new paradigm for African American manhood and the human race. It’s a reality that the world is getting smaller, we all travel and meet all kinds of people and we should go for people with similar morals, values and people we can get along with. Don’t hate your race or ethnic group. However, be open to any race, ethnic group or culture because that’s just the reality of the world we live in and the human race.
Do African American women have a sense of entitlement over African American men?
With the changes in the American demographics there’s the reality that there are different races, ethnicities, so it’s not realistic for females of any race to have a sense of entitlement over the males of the same race, or vice versa, but there’s some human wiring or social conditioning to that effect though.
Caller: I am a beautiful African American female. My first husband was African American and the second one was Caucasian. I came to find that relationships are similar. In my situations, you have the person, and cultural and temperamental differences, then infidelity, and cheating.
However, we should take responsibility for the choices we make and how long one hangs in there for. I’m open to date anyone. I don’t get hit on by black men, if I am at a bar during happy hour with my friends, I am absolute hit, but African American men don’t approach me. I used to ask to my father, "Why don’t they like me?" and he would say, “Maybe they are intimidated by you.” However, I’m not unapproachable. Going back to women receiving negative attention because of how they dress, I see Latino women who are very provocative dressers, so it’s all the same. I’m single because I’m selective. I have choices and the right to be selective.
Host/Panelists: It appears that you have a good head on your shoulders, and you may come off as intimidating to African American men because African American women are outpacing their men like no other group. They are more educated, have better jobs and are completely self sufficient. Are you in the market to get married? I am with a Latino woman who always dated black men who was aggressive in pursuing me. Don’t assume the man will be the aggressor; you may need to push it close to the aggressive line. Some men enjoy an aggressive woman. Open up your social activities to enjoy your life and do different things.
None of us can be objective about ourselves. Talk to people who don’t have much invested in a relationship with you to get feed back from them about how you are perceived. For example, talk to people like distant acquaintances to get some objective feedback on how you come across. There’s a danger in thinking you have it all figured out. It’s hard to take stuff in, but be quiet, hear people out, and receive what they say. Take it, marinade in it, sit with it and then you might give them some feedback.
The caller has a great answer for everything. She’s not taking feedback and missing out on valuable information. There’s a little defensiveness in her responses. She should sit with it. To learn, you receive feed back. You don’t push it back or down, and you don’t have an answer for everything. In life it’s not just about your thoughts; you need feed back from others too, because that’s a snap shot of your relationships.
I have been in the business for 30 years and relationships are about how much respect you have for yourself and received from your family of origin and friendship base. The way you relate is what you will get you respect back.
When is it ok to bring up the sex issue? What is the right time line? When is too soon or too late? The right time is when both parties know they like the each other, have a solid relationship and are ready for the physical and emotional commitment.
Men don’t want a woman who is quick to give sex up because it speaks to how she's quick to give herself to other men. A woman who holds out will be respected more. However, some men will leave because they came for sex. If sex was their only intent, it’s ok for them to walk away because they didn’t want anything else. They didn't want a relationship. My Latino wife said you’re not going to get any tonight to let me know up front on our first date. A black woman might not have said that. I also dated a Latino woman and she said that too.
It’s with black women that I have verbal and physical warfare. I deal with that at work and in the world and I don’t want to come home to that. When I dated outside of my race I came home to a pleasant experience.
All women aren’t made of sugar and spice and all that’s nice. However, we have to be careful about stereotyping or maligning a whole race of women. I have tried being with an African American woman and I’m not doing it anymore. That’s like the insanity scenario I mentioned earlier.
Caller: I have a spouse who doesn’t respect me. We both had kids seperately and we have a child together. We have altercations out in the open in front of the children and my son is torn as we co-parent him. He recently had his pants sagging and I told him to pull his pants up. His mother said it’s fine down. He’s going to be young man someday and his mother and I are not on the same page raising him.
Does the mother have an understanding that you’re the man and she’s not? Or is she actually wearing the pants in the home. You have to have a united front when disciplining the boy. If she respects you, she will respect your decisions. It’s a respect thing with the man.
Caller: There was a time to you couldn’t date outside of your race because it was a crime in Virginia and all over the country. To Jaon who doesn’t date African American women, you just haven’t found the right one for you.
I was in the military and what I dealt with and saw was the different types of races of women from different socio-economic classes do things differently. The middle class ladies were striving to go to college and better their lives. While the lower income ones give up sex faster.
There are great African American women out there. You have to have an open heart and mind because people miss good people because they have ideals and prototypes in their minds they don’t deviate from when considering partners. Also, people have baggage they are dragging around with them. Having positive images of marriages is good baggage to have in the relationship.
Caller: My question is to Jason who doesn’t date African American women, how does he feel about the black women in his family like his mother, sisters, nieces and cousins?
I was raised in a single parent home and I respect my mother. African Americans have the highest percentage of black single mothers.
He has been hurt quite a bit. Who disappointed you, let you down, and disrespected you?
I was with a young lady in a relationship and I got up and left because of the disrespect. Being a black man is a hard struggle, when I come home, I don’t want to deal with that. When I was married to a biracial the black came out of her.
What are your current relationships with the black women in your family and dating life like?
I have dated upper, middle and lower class women. I have experienced all socio-economic levels. It’s all about am I going to love her and is she going to respect and mentally stimulate me. I get this more from women outside of my race.
Caller: Most black women I know love, need and respect black men, but "African American" women say they don’t need a man. So maybe there’s a difference between those that use the different terms. Men of all races complain about lack of respect. For African American women, there’s a history of them caring for and holding African American families together when men weren’t able to which contradicts them respecting African American men.
In 2008, statistics showed that 13% of African American men were married to non-African American women, although looking around, we know there are more now. However, maybe it isn’t that much of a problem.
Final Thoughts: Work on opening your heart and mind and be realistic. Genuinely speak about what’s in your mind without being harsh. Talk, share and listen actively and strive to understand before reacting to what people say. Join a group if you suffer from a phobia to help you with it. Develop a platonic relationship before entering into a sexual relationship.
Source: The Audrey Chapman Show
Guest: Dr. William July
Panelists: Rodney, Tony & Jason
Broadcast Date: 11/12/11
No comments:
Post a Comment