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Some African American women believe some African American men live by the conquest and control of African American women modus operandi , but men also have their own perspective on the situation. We have a three man panel to discuss the above question from men’s perspectives.
Panelist 1: Rodney is a 34 year old African American man raised in a two parent home. He has been married for 12 years to biracial woman he has known for 16 years he met in college. He has 2 kids and is the Vice President and Regional Security Administrator of a company. He has website http://www.householdstress.com/
Panelist 2: Tony is a 45 year old African American man married to Latino woman for 5years. He was married to an African American woman. He has a preference for Latino women. He has 2 kids by his previous wife and one by his current wife.
Panelist 3: Jason is a 44 year old African American single man who was raised by a single mother. He’s been married twice. His first wife is an African American and the second one is biracial. He has one child from his second marriage. He says African American women are too much for him to deal with. He is totally turned off by them and is exclusively dating women of any other race or ethnicity.
The show’s guest is author, Dr. William July II. His book that is similar in theme to this topic is, Brothers, Lust and Love and his other book is Understanding The Tin Man: Why So Many Men Avoid Intimacy.
Is it more difficult to relate to African American women than women of other races and cultures?
There is a tendency to categorize and stigmatize a certain race or culture, however, most relationships present the same type of problems, but African Americans have a tendency to pathologize problems like it applies only to their race even when it’s a typical or normal thing people or couples of all races and cultures go through.
However, we have particular things that are put on African American men and women that stress their relationships because of other dynamics. For example, in some situations, there's unequal income, education, and social and role statuses, and there’s often no role model of the same gender parents that model or teach African American children how to conduct themselves, so when they grow up, they are set up for failure in those roles because they are unprepared and often blindsighted.
There’s a historical dynamic of the psycho-social impact of history on today, which comes into our relationships with us and makes them more difficult. So, African American men are often suspect of African American women already assuming that they won’t respect them, which is in addition to being partners and also struggling for power in the relationship.
What’s more important in a relationship? Why do people struggle so much with respect? When do you have it and when does it fall apart? What makes it difficult for African American men to respect African American women? Is it her friends, her family, how much she makes, her attitude, how she carries herself, her character, or her decisions? What makes it difficult to be respected by African American women?
There are so many fatherless homes, and the first male/ female relationships that people have is with their parents, so if it's fractured, strained or unhealthy, it affects them and follows them into relationships as adults making it difficult to respect each other.
Do you find it easier to relate to biracial women with the same the issues? We shouldn’t malign a whole race of people and a plethora of cultures. My wife is a biracial woman and she has enlightened me on some things, but a man should be with a woman for her character not her skin color or hair texture.
Being a man, a long as she respects me as a man and as the head of household we are fine. The Latino culture highly regards men, but my wife who is Columbian and Cuban and was raised in DC, so she is very independent.
Jason, does respect have to do with you giving up on African American women?
There’s a lot about me, but I would enjoy respect in a relationship. If you can’t recognize that I am a man and respect and interact with me as such, then we are done. Respect for an African American male is an issue. It is much bigger than in other cultures because African American men are conditioned from an early age that he won’t be respected by society or his family. African American boys grow up in communities where people lose their lives over the need for "respect" in city streets. However, in relationships things are intensified, so their need for respect is also intensified and the man is more sensitive to the lack of it.
African American men have seen themselves as socially, educationally, economically and physiologically powerless for centuries and are repeating the same negtive patterns without even being aware of it. An African American woman who wants to reverse that for her man must make the extra effort to understand that for an African American man respect is critical. Not the wash his feet kind of respect but to make sure he feels respected.
African American women what’s wrong with you? Why don’t you respect African American men? What was the most disrespectful thing that occurred to you that turned you off African American women Jason?
I was at work trying to earn a living and this lady I was with texted me stating, “We are having relationship problems.” I’m bewildered because this was someone I was with a couple of hours ago and she didn’t say anything. She then texted me again stating, “You don’t treat me right.” This is someone I open doors and pulled out chairs for. That was it. I was done.
For me dating African American women is like driving on the same street and hitting the same bump over and over again, that's insane because insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Dating outside of my race is working for me. Now I can drive down the street with no bump or problems. I date Caucasian, Asian, Latino and anything but African American women. I hate to say it like that but I’m just being honest.
Caller: I moved in with and live with my fiancée and her daughter, and I work full time at my own business. We’ve been together for 12 years, living together for 7 years and engaged to be married for 5 years. I wanted us to be husband and wife, but I saw the level of respect wasn’t enough but I consider myself the head of the household. Recently my fiancée’s daughter was about to go out dressed in a way that was revealing too much, and I said she needs to wear more clothes because people's perceptions of her may be wrong. I said the way you look is the way people will treat you.
She said she’s grown and will wear what she wants to wear. Her mother who is my fiancée then said, “Why do you always have something to say about what she’s wearing?” It made me angry that they don’t know how people will perceive her and it seems like women don’t want to receive right information or correction. They don’t want take men’s support and advice.
The situation created a void where I couldn’t get my point across to her and her daughter for them to consider or respect my point of view. I consider myself the breadwinner and head of the household and I tried to give advice and was rejected and I feel disrespected . I don’t want to commit because I wasn’t sure of my role and my responsibilities in the home are not clear.
Guest/Panel Response: You are not and will not be respected as the head of the household. You are just living together. If you were, you should be able to say something and be done with it. You are not the man of the house. She wears the pants and you walk around in shorts in the house or something. That young lady has a father. What you are trying to do and was rightfully shut down for is not your job because that is not your child. That is where you get your problem from.
You say you’ve been with your fiancée for 12 years, living in her house for 7 years and engaged for 5 years. You moved into her mother’s house. You’re not going to take this woman, string her along for so long till she passes her expiration date, and you do know women have an expiration date, and on top of that have the audacity to tell her daughter what to do. You can never be respected in that situation. This is a frozen engagement scenario. If you want to get married, it doesn’t take 12 years.
You need to get out and get yourself your own place and let this woman raise her daughter herself. You are totally out of line. You must have your own place and decide what you want to do. You can’t get respect if you have commitment issues. You are shop lifting. You can’t demand to be the head of household while you are camping out at someone else’s house.
African American women are more apt to allow men to move in with them even if they have a hidden agenda. Latino and Caucasian women are more demanding of a commitment, marriage, engagement, getting a house together, or some formal indication of a serious commitment. For most of them there’s no shacking up without commitment.
He’s not 100% right. Some Latino women shack up, while some African American women have standards, don’t shack up and want the commitment at the front door. I believe that it’s easier to relate to and romance non-African American women. Other women like holding hands, walking, cuddling, and hugging. Try saying hello to an African American woman and they look at you like, “Why are you even talking to me?”
In 1996, I wrote an article in Essence Magazine titled, Hello, How Are You?, about my experiences with African American women and how they look at me like, "What are you even looking at me for? " when I greet them. At the time, the editor of the Brother’s column said it was the most popular piece they had ever had because it revealed the contempt and questioning of African American men that African American women have that goes back to them not seeing positive male role models in their lives.
However, African American women need to understand that every time an African American man says, “Hello”, it doesn’t mean we want you; we are often just trying to be nice. I now actually avoid African American women. I roll up my window and even cross to the other side of the street to avoid them.
Source: The Audrey Chapman Show
Guest: Dr. William July
Panelists: Rodney, Tony & Jason
Broadcast Date: 11/12/11
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