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How’s your relationship with yourself? If you’re male and think it is essential for women to have an orgasm each time you have sex then you don’t know a lot about women.
Today we are discussing what men don’t know about women and sex with Nick Chiles, a Pulitzer Prize winning author and journalist who specializes in African American relationships. He is the co-author of What Brothers Think, What Sistahs Know series. He has a 17 year old son and has been married for 14 years. The latest book he co-wrote is Fatherhood: Rising to the Ultimate Challenge.
Q&A
Do you know how much time women talk about sex monthly?
They spend 20% talking to their mothers, girlfriends, colleagues, joking about it.
What do women prefer physically sexually?
They prefer kissing because it projects affection. Not that they don’t enjoy other things but when this is neglected it makes a woman feel neglected.
Men think they know but they don’t, they mostly guess. It’s not considered cool to ask questions especially early on in a relationship. Maybe when you’re married you can reveal it, but in the beginning men want to project the impression that they got this.
Once a man has a sexual pattern or routine he uses it for all partners. If it seemed like it worked once, they keep doing it. Women try to give positive not realistic feedback and it becomes a delusional dance they do and go back to her girls and tell them her man is clueless. So he has to pray and hope he got it right. Men want to come off as skilled knowledgeable and experienced.
The pre-sex pillow talk is for turn on purposes. It’s not for real information exchange and there’s pressure to perform on both sides. Women fake to shore him up and make him feel good about himself. Men use incorrect sex techniques because they are getting fake responses from their partners to make them feel better.
Do you think women are comfortable being the first person to initiate sex with a man? Women believe if they initiate the first sexual encounter they won’t be taken seriously after that. We deal with so much baggage passed along from our elders about what girls should and shouldn’t do; many inhibitions are passed along, histories of women not being aggressive, and to have a certain amount of passivity.
While men sometimes like to be told what women want, we don’t want too much aggression involved. Men will think about your history and how often you do that. It’s a real dilemma for many women.
Do men think women have sexual fantasies?
Yes. Men assume everybody does. Women have rich fantasies, even though they often don’t share it with men, but they share it with their girlfriends.
Even if a guy doesn’t know what a woman’s sexual needs are, he’s not apt to admit that. He throws a dart at the board and hopes and prays he hits the bull’s eye. There are some general principles men bring to bear like believing oral play will be well received, and after that they get creative and vigorous and hope she’s satisfied. If there’s other things he should be doing, he won’t find out till much later in the relationship.
How important is foreplay to women?
Extremely, because if things get rushed too much women aren’t ready to receive a man biologically. So there needs to be some foreplay before the main course. For women, it’s the appetizer before the entrée and they want it to last a great deal of time.
Young teenage boys don’t know about this. They go straight for the main course and the experience winds up being a disappointing encounter for both partners. Sex education should be explicit including that foreplay is important. Teenagers go straight to sex instead of pleasuring each other and they need to know that they be very satisfied sexually without penetration.
Too often there’s no talk about sex. The place to start the conversation is out of the bedroom. Couples who talk outside the bedroom do a better job of taking care of each other’s needs inside the bedroom. Sex is trial by error for many people and that’s why relationships don’t last among young people.
After-play is an issue because when I’m done I want to take a shower, while women want to cuddle, they want the closeness and the boding. They want to be held, caressed and talked to. When you get up and go, it’s like you’re discounting the relationship and what took place. When the feeling and intentions between both parties with aren’t clear things don’t work out right, so it’s important to understand where both parties are coming from.
Both men and women can have communication issues. Young people, both men and women aren’t good at communicating. Many times, young black women are willing to talk about sex and relationships with a comfort level. However, this is between people of the same gender.
It seems that the person you should be talking to is the person you are in a relationship with but that’s not what occurs. Talking with girlfriends instead of one’s partner is a problem. However, this occurs because women feel safe with each other, she feels safe and secure and let’s go of her inhibitions verbally.
How does a woman get an organism?
Women must will themselves to have an orgasm to an extent. However, foreplay and after play help her get there. If she has trauma or inhibitions that don’t let that occur, her and her partner will have difficulty. Men believe it’s their responsibility to get a woman to have an orgasm, but the truth is that women bring themselves to orgasm by knowing what makes them orgasmic and educating their partners. Ultimately women can get there during intercourse or by themselves.
Each sexual experience should involve mutual desire and arousal? F
Myths: Q&A True/False
Is it crucial for women to be orgasmic at each sexual encounter? F
If she doesn’t she’ll be disappointed and have feelings of failure, but it realistic for guys to believe because men get there every time and believe everybody believes everybody should get to the same point at the same time. When you do get to have an orgasm with your partner at the same time, the earth moves, so that’s your goal every time, but it’s unrealistic especially in a long term relationship for the fireworks to happen every time.
The more intimate the couple the more erotic or the better the sex? F
Caller: I wasn’t given a second chance after a bad initial performance. The lady just cut me off. What do you think about that?
Guest/Host: A woman’s response to a man’s sexuality dictates how much he wants to be around her. If she comes across as harsh or unfeeling, then a man feels this isn’t someone I want to be around long term, however women shouldn’t base the relationship on early sexual encounters. A new guy won’t know every button to push with a woman. So women should be kind and sensitive with their words.
Men bring a certain amount of experience to the table and believe they know what they are doing based on their past, the culture, popular entertainment, assumptions, and what others have told them and you get a map of what to do and where to go and they use that same map over and over again, not taking other routes and apply it to every female they are with assuming every female has the same needs instead of figuring out each person. Somehow the message of what each person needs must be conveyed in a relationship.
Young people are starved for correct information so if they share with men they respect and can confide in them, they feel comfortable to share correct information.
Men need to know that helping women with chores is an aphrodisiac and prelude to sex. It is all day foreplay. Kissing erroneous zones with nerve endings in spots which lead to exciting experience is also good. Massage also plays a good part; it puts a female’s mind into a different zone. Then when you add conversation to that, it’s out of this world.
Broadcast Date:11/05/05
Source: The Audrey Chapman Show
Guest: Nick Chiles, a Pulitzer Prize winning author and journalist who specializes in African American relationships. He is the co-author of the What Brothers Think, What Sistahs Know series.
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